Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Aftermath, Part Six: Last Thoughts

The remaining details around the ending of my last relationship are now complete. We each will go our separate ways, and I wish her peace and happiness.

Many readers here and at Zaadz have written to me privately to share their thoughts about what I have posted. Everyone has been supportive in ways that make me grateful. Your thoughts have helped me be more clear in many ways.

Much has changed since I first wrote about the breakup. I no longer am willing to accept full responsibility for the way things fell apart. We each contributed our share of "stuff" to the issues that divided us.

It's strange how difficult it can be to see the patterns we participate in while we are in them. But with distance comes clarity. The work I have been doing with my Inner Critic has helped me see more clearly the role it played in the breakup, but also how other factors led me to believe that the issues were all mine, when that wasn't the case.

I was coming unraveled for much of August and September -- (documented here, here, here, here, here, and here) -- the time leading up to her decision to leave. I took that on at the time as though it had nothing to do with my relationship. That wasn't true.

At least part of what was going on then was my psyche trying to create space for me to look at things more clearly. That manifested as me withdrawing in various ways. I wasn't consciously or willfully trying to push her away, but that was what was happening. At first I felt that I had failed in not seeing what was I was doing at the time, but now I accept that my process works how its works. I did the best I could.

In a variety of ways, our relationship had stopped working. Some of that was due to what I was bringing to the table, some of it was due to what she brought to the table. The important part for me -- in working with my Critic -- is that I no longer blame myself for everything that happened. We each could blame the other, but that also would be non-productive.

I will continue to look at and own my stuff that contributed to the breakup in the hope that I will learn what I can from the experience. I'm sure we each will be better people for having navigated this period in our lives.

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