A while back, I mentioned that I was trying to work with my recent situational depression as a subpersonality. One way to work with subs is to allow them to speak whatever is on their mind. What follows is an unedited free write in which I allow my depression to have its say. This is the voice of The Darkness, with some comments from me in italics.
The abyss opens before me, within me.
I am the abyss. No separation. One. I am a murky ocean of darkness swallowing all that comes near.
Depression, my old friend. As always, you have stolen my soul. Broken my spirit. I hate you, love you, loathe you.
I am emptiness. I am a black hole of nothingness. I am naught.
Cessation. The need to stop. Thinking. Feeling. Being. Cessation.
Everything comes undone. Change is the only constant.
But in this place, only nothing. No escape. No relief. Nothing.
I have swallowed your body whole. Useless flesh. Futile anchor. It thinks it exists. It thinks it matters. The body is a fool. The mind even more foolish. Silly ego. Silly self. You deceive yourself that you matter, that you are real.
Being and Nothingness. Only nothingness is real. I am that and I am naught.
All is darkness. Light is the illusion of meaning. Shadows speak the only truth. Darkness is truth.
I am the abyss. I consume all. Interminable darkness.
I am the death of hope.
Strangely enough, I think there is some wisdom in this. Depression is asking me to stop. To just be in emptiness. It's saying that if I wasn't attached to happiness and outcomes, I wouldn't be depressed.
I haven't been meditating as much I should be -- as much as I might when I am not depressed. And meditation might be the best thing for me right now.