Sunday, September 24, 2006

Explanation [Updated]

First and foremost, THANK YOU to everyone who expressed their concern in the comments or by private email. I sincerely and deeply appreciate it. And I apologize for the cryptic message.

I've shared my sister's death, my mother's death, and a whole lot of other stuff on this blog, and there is no reason to keep secrets now. So here's the deal.

Twenty-four hours ago I felt as though my world was completely turned upside down. In many ways, it was. But my first inclination -- and this is probably an old subpersonality rearing its head -- is to feel overwhelmed by the emotions, which probably looks meladramatic from the outside. From the inside, it really feels that bad.

The thing that's different now from ten years ago, or twenty years ago, is that I don't immediately dive into some self-destructive behavior -- which is not to say that I don't want to. Instead of that, I try to stay with the feelings and trust that they won't kill me.

That's what I've done for the last twenty-four hours.

Kira and I split up yesterday after 5 1/2 years. There was no yelling, no big fight, just a break up. It would be easier if I could blame her in some way, but I can't. She made a decision that she feels is best for her. And I respect her choice.

For the last month or two, I've been slowly coming apart at the seams. There have been a few posts that shed light on the process (here, here, here, here, here, and here). Kira has been an innocent bystander in all of this, but I have leaked my turmoil all over her and the relationship. In all fairness, I've been in a semi-constant state of flux and turmoil for as long as she has known me. That's not a pleasant quality in a partner.

So she walked away. If I were her, I would have run -- a long time ago. [You can read her feelings about her decision at her Zaadz blog.]

Yesterday, it felt like the end of my world. Today, not so much.

I'm sad, and I'm going to honor that feeling and take some quiet time this week. I may or may not blog, but I'll probably not stay away for long. You people are a part of my community in a way that defies logic.

I'm grateful for that.
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