American's do not trust each other. A recent survey found that, compared to 46% in the 1970s, now only 33% believe they can trust their fellow citizens (in general). Distrust of the media has risen from 16% in the 1970s to nearly 48% today.

The whole study is paywalled, of course, but Pacific Standard offers a brief summary.

Trust Is Waning, and Inequality May Be to Blame

By Nathan Collins • September 30, 2014


(Photo: gregorywass/Flickr)

Trust in others and confidence in institutions is declining, while economic inequality creeps up, a new study shows.

•
Trust is on the decline in America. Between 1972 and 2012 Americans became less trusting of and less confident in not only government and the media, but also churches, doctors, business, and each other. And, according to a new report, increasing income inequality may be to blame.

Political scientists and sociologists have long wondered how, why, and even whether trust in government and other institutions changes over time. One theory, still taught today, is that the dramatic process of entering adulthood shapes a person’s social and political traits in a lasting way. Thus, citizens born during the Great Depression tend to embrace a more frugal lifestyle and often the welfare state as well, or so the theory goes. Scholars have argued more recently that traits like being frugal or trusting government are a matter of the zeitgeist, or perhaps a matter of one’s age. Whichever is true, questions remain. If it’s the times that affects trust, what is it about a particular period that makes people more or less willing to believe what others say?

Separating out the effects of age, birth year—cohort, it’s usually called—and survey year, it became clear that trust in others and confidence in institutions declined because of the times we were and are living in.

To sort it out, psychologists Jean Twenge, Keith Campbell, and Nathan Carter looked to data from the General Social Survey, or GSS, which since the 1970s has asked a total of 37,493 Americans questions about just about everything, including a range of questions about trust and confidence in other people and groups. In the early ’70s, 46 percent of Americans agreed that “most people can be trusted,” as the GSS posed the question. Between 2010 and 2012, however, those surveyed agreed with that statement just 33 percent of the time. Confidence declined by a similar amount. Only 16 percent of GSS respondents responded that they had “hardly any” confidence in the press when surveyed between 1972 and 1974, but that number nearly tripled by the 2010-12 survey.

More interesting than the raw numbers is the deeper story that the data tell. Separating out the effects of age, birth year—cohort, it’s usually called—and survey year, it became clear that trust in others and confidence in institutions declined because of the times we were and are living in. Cohort had some effects on confidence, and trust increased with age, but the data indicated something about the zeitgeist was powering the decline in trust and confidence.

That something, the team argues, is the economy. Greater income inequality, the team found, was correlated with lower trust in others, while greater poverty, more violent crime, and an improving stock market were linked with less confidence in institutions.

In an email, Carter told Pacific Standard that the team is “very interested” in how psychology and economics interact through what Depression-era economist John Maynard Keynes called “animal spirits,” spontaneous, sometimes irrational drives to economic or financial action, “which have unfortunately seen very little serious attention from either psychologists or economists.”

“I really think it will take a concerted effort for collaboration across economics and psychology to get a handle on how psychological states impact economies and vice versa,” Carter says.



Nathan Collins studied astrophysics and political science before realizing he wanted to learn about all of the science without worrying about tenure. In his second life as a freelance science writer, he’s written for Scientific American, New Scientist, and others.

More From Nathan Collins

• Drill Sergeant Bosses Don't Get the Job Done
• Twitter's No Beacon of Democracy, But It's Better Than Expected
• How Moms Change Brains

Heidi Hanson - 7 PTSD Feedback Loops

This post comes from the Healing from Trauma blog by Heidi Hanson, many of whose posts are being compiled into a book tentatively called the Trauma Healing Resource Book.

This particular post, which was shared with me by some friends on Facebook, presents some of the essential experiences of PTSD within the context of feedback loops. Based on the experience of my clients, this seems quite useful.

7 PTSD Feedback Loops

by Heidi Hanson

In the book I have been working on, Trauma Healing Resource Book (tentative title), which chronicles my healing journey through PTSD, I identify 7 Feedback Loops that act like quicksand, pulling one further into PTSD even as one desires to find one’s way out. This needs further research, but feedback loops could be one reason some cases of PTSD become chronic.

Note: This article and all articles on this blog are based on my personal experience as someone recovering from PTSD. Much is theoretical material, however it is material I consider worth being studied in depth in a scientific manner at some point in time.

Excerpt from the book:

Definition: The technical definition of a feedback loop is “a system where outputs are fed back into the system as inputs, increasing or decreasing effects.” *

I would define a feedback loop related to human psychology as a group of external life circumstances and internal patterns that keep reinforcing each other, making it difficult to change either the circumstances or the patterns.

Feedback loops can be propelled by internal patterns of thoughts, perceptions, emotions, and behaviors, each element stimulating the next.

Negative feedback loops frequently lead to downward spirals, in which case some aspect of the situation worsens slightly every time one or several loops are completed.

Experiences of trauma may lead us to develop mental habits; feedback loops are mechanisms that keep maintaining and deepening these habits. One could theorize that feedback loops contribute to reinforcing specific neural pathways in the brain and to developing chronic imbalances in the nervous system and physiology.

Negative feedback loops lead to what I call a “trauma-based reality.” This is when we perceive all of our reality through a filter created from our past traumatic experiences. The “normal” reality we experienced prior to the traumatic experiences can only be sensed for brief moments.

In the following illustration, the individual is in a room dancing with trauma, and through the windows she can see momentary glimpses of the reality that exists outside of the trauma-based reality.


Book Illustration: Trauma-based Dance Floor
Sometimes, dancing, I catch hints of Life, outside
I have identified seven feedback loops based on my own experiences. I’m sure there are more; there are also variations on these seven, not included here.

* http://psychology.wikia.com/wiki/Feedback_loop

1. A Dangerous World Feedback Loop

Synonyms: Magnifying Triggers Feedback Loop, Environmental Triggers Feedback Loop

This feedback loop occurs when we have experienced trauma, and we happen to be in an environment that continuously triggers memories of the trauma. If constantly triggered, we can be reminded of the trauma and automatically feel fear over and over again, which makes the environment around us seem more frightening, and we end up imprinting the idea of trauma more and more deeply onto the environment. Seeing increasingly more danger makes us more likely to experience triggers, and makes the triggers more impactful when they come.

It’s not just the perception of the environment as more and more dangerous that increases the impact of the triggers. Being triggered a lot can gradually increase our sensitivity and raise our overall level of hyperarousal. In turn, feeling more sensitive increases the impact of the triggers.

In this scenario, all levels of danger are perceived as a red alert – there are no orange and yellow alerts; danger is stuck on High setting and only increases from there.

This feedback loop is one reason it is so important to get to an environment that gives some relief from triggers, or change the environment (get rid of furniture, redecorate, put new scents in the air etc.).

If the amount of stress puts the system into immobility more and more frequently, this feedback loop can lead to the Immobility Downward Spiral – getting increasingly immobile e.g. feeling numb, unresponsive, still, paralyzed.

I noticed this Dangerous World Feedback Loop and Immobility Downward Spiral happening early on in my experience of PTSD. This is an illustration that shows how too many triggers can feel like an invasion, or a kind of poison that is constantly being inserted into the brain and nervous system, causing the mind to go into meltdown or immobility on a regular basis.

2. Constricted Reality Feedback Loop / Downward Spiral

Synonyms: Self-isolation Feedback Loop, Resource Avoidance Downward Spiral, Resource Rejection Downward Spiral

Being extremely sensitive and being hit constantly by a wide variety of triggers can also lead to a Constricted Reality Feedback Loop. In this case, each time some life situation is associated with trauma, we may decide to avoid it as well as anything related to it. In the following illustration, we see that this individual’s hypersensitivity to triggers in his community make him cut off his connection, automatically and without thought, to resource after resource, until he is alone in his room, isolated and disconnected from the rest of the world.

Without any resources, it is unlikely he will be exposed to things that demonstrate that his triggers are false – in other words he won’t have experiences that deconstructs the triggers and rewire his brain to re-perceive reality in a new way, for example encountering someone who at first appears to be a perpetrator but is actually a friend, or an authority figure who appears to be abusive and turns out to actually be a resource. In this scenario there is no way for healing to happen because the individual is isolated from all potential resources.

This one is similar to the Dangerous World and Lack of Trust Feedback Loop (#5). They are all ways of illustrating how fear leads to fear, mistrust leads to more mistrust and isolation leads to more isolation, just with slight variations. Dangerous World has to do with one’s perception of danger, Lack of Trust is specifically in relation to other people, and Constricted Reality has to do with isolation from all types of resources in one’s community including places, events, groups, people etc.

Note: click on the image to see a larger version

3. Dissociation Feedback Loop

Being frequently dissociated means for much of the day we are not present in the body.

Some synonyms for this state of dissociation are:

• space cadet
• spaced out
• absent-minded
• head in the clouds
• not paying attention

This could lead to accidents which may be somewhat traumatizing. If traumatic, these accidents could possibly lead to further tendency to dissociate.

The illustration for this one may be simple, but being dissociative can create messy problems. Dissociation can lead to small accidents, like stubbing one’s toe; it can also lead to worse incidents, like doing things that are dangerous without knowing it. General disorganization can lead to problems, for example, a woman who is out late and misplaced her cell phone and is looking for it and then gets mugged whereas she would have been at home by that time if she had been more organized. Dissociation is an escape from the present and it may lead to bad decisions due to lack of awareness of details. Underneath dissociation is a wound(s) that causes tentativeness or rejection in relation to being in the body. In order to heal, we need to be committed to our bodies and ourselves, aware of our surroundings and alert to who is doing what with us, to prevent more accidents.

4. Hyperarousal Feedback Loop

Synonyms: Panic Loop

If we are in hyperarousal a large percentage of the time, it means the nervous system is strung tight like a rubber band pulled almost to the breaking point. We may be jumpy, prone to panic, tend to do things too quickly, rush about in too much of a hurry, and act on impulse. Hyperarousal makes it difficult to process information well because it keeps one stuck in a survival level of thinking, preventing access to the higher mind/rational thought. If we are panicking, we are also more easily manipulated by other people. This chaotic fear state could easily lead to getting into bad situations or accidents/injuries. It is possible this could lead to another trauma, which would only increase the hyperarousal.

5. Lack of Trust Feedback Loop

Synonyms: People Avoidance Feedback Loop, Other People Rejection Feedback Loop, Help Rejection Loop

Sometimes, a traumatic experience includes a breach of trust. Trust can be broken within a close relationship, such as with a partner or parent. Trust can also be violated by an authority figure we had confidence in. Sometimes, when we try to seek help with PTSD, we encounter healing practitioners who do not understand PTSD enough to help us, and can even do or say things that re-traumatize us. So, in some cases, we will develop a lack of trust.

Due to this lack of trust we may feel more comfortable spending time alone. Spending more time alone makes us more vulnerable to the symptoms of PTSD, because there is no information coming from outside to challenge the trauma-based reality. We avoid the very people and situations that may have a positive effect on the nervous system.

Not getting the help we need can lead to issues in the following areas:

1. Triggers automatically create hyperarousal; we do not learn ways to intervene.
2. We experience more triggers and this leads to more disregulation and hyperarousal.
3. Disregulation, hyperarousal, fear and anxiety cause confused information processing.
4. Due to difficulties with processing information we can’t figure out how to escape or change the situation.
5. Also, triggers lead us to remain in helplessness/immobility/paralysis; helplessness leads to not feeling one has the power to help themselves.
6. Low self-esteem remains unchallenged; low self esteem from trauma can stop us from seeking help.
7. When we perceive ourselves in a constricted reality, we may not see what exists outside it.
8. The level of sensitivity being unintentionally maintained can lead to more experiences of being traumatized by healing practitioners and other people trying to help.

Thus, the lack of trust seems to be justified by many aspects of our experience, and we spend more time avoiding people. Being alone with our PTSD symptoms can lead to experiencing reality as harsh and other people as unhelpful; we continue to avoid people and our reality becomes more and more constricted.

The Lack of Trust Feedback Loop can lead to a Constricted Reality Feedback Loop/Downward Spiral.

6. Trauma Seeking Feedback Loop

Synonyms: Resolution Block Feedback Loop

Peter Levine has theorized that one of the key reasons human beings do not process and release trauma within minutes like animals do is because we have developed a higher brain, the neocortex. The neocortex gives us great advantages such as the ability to think rationally, but it can also suppress the pent-up trauma related energies the system needs to process and release successfully in order to heal PTSD, such as rage and terror.

In the trauma seeking feedback loop, we may get into a situation where there is the possibility for the pent-up energy to completely release once and for all. We may suddenly feel powerful, primitive uncontrollable rage, hatred, sorrow, fear, or shame. But because of the controls we maintain, we do not recognize this as the opportunity it is. Rather, we think something is terribly wrong with us and force ourselves to push the emotions back down, and thus fail to release the pent-up energy. In other words, when the reptilian brain’s instinctive manner of releasing trauma begins, the neocortex or rational mind automatically suppresses it to escape and avoid the powerful emotions. When the experience is over, we have stabilized again but nothing has changed and the system continues to unconsciously seek a way to discharge the trapped life energy and return to a truly non-traumatized state of calm alertness. The system will unconsciously seek out another situation to stir up these powerful emotions, in the hopes that they will finally be processed to completion.

7. Survival Mode Feedback Loop

Synonyms: Problematic Memory Encoding Loop, Arrested in Time Loop, Siege Mode Loop

The seventh feedback loop is the state of being immersed in survival instincts, a perpetual state in relation to the reptilian brain managing an eternal moment of shock and trauma, without ever coming out. This is most likely due to the way traumatic memories are encoded. It creates a kind of life in siege mode, a severe experience of life, a survival focused life. Even if one’s survival needs are met one may feel like life is about surviving in basic ways and not about living/thriving (the higher level needs on Maslow’s hierarchy are not in the picture).

The experience of being in shock becomes a timeless moment, a never-ending moment, from which the body does not re-enter time. It is as if the reptilian brain is telling you you are still in shock and need to survive, dominating your experience and keeping you in survival mode forever. The experience cannot be metabolized, psychologically, by the system, and until it becomes metabolized it is holding you hostage. In order for it to be metabolized, the times of the worst dissociation (shock) need to be integrated in the body and brain/memory in a different way than they were at the time of the trauma. There are theories to the effect that the memory of the trauma needs to be moved from short-term to long-term memory.

So the theory about how this one works is that because going into these memories feels too threatening, the procedure seems complex, one lacks skills and also lacks skilled help, one never figures out how to integrate the moments of the worst dissociation, and so the person remains stuck in time and in survival mode. Sorry this one is not clearer, when I understand it better I will update this section.

One feedback loop I have not included in this article is Learned Helplessness. Learned Helplessness (Seligman) is a kind of feedback loop because if we are in a situation in which we are legitimately helpless, we learn that in those kinds of situations we are helpless. Then, when in a similar situation, we behave helplessly even if we truly have power to act. This reinforces our perception of our self and internal experience (felt sense) of being helpless. And so it continues. Learned helplessness is related to depression; I am not sure the relation to PTSD. In my case, because I was injured I have felt helpless in a lot of situations and I feel much more helpless than I did before. I would have to do more research to understand if this is learned helplessness as defined by Seligman or something else.

When I first found Somatic Experiencing and realized how much of healing PTSD is just about using somatic techniques to calm the nervous system and re-enter the body, I thought it would be a clear road out. I was wrong. I am still falling into these feedback loops on a regular basis, and I’m still trying to find ways to outsmart the downward spirals.There is a lot more work to be done, and my first step is to simply acknowledge that these feedback loops are still here and still need addressing.

__________________

Heidi Hanson is an artist and writer in Asheville, North Carolina currently working on an illustrated book chronicling her journey healing from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

The Wright Show - Robert Wright and Paul J. Zak - The Moral Molecule

This week's episode of The Wright Show features your host, Robert Wright, in a discussion with Paul Zak about his new book, The Moral Molecule: The Source of Love and Prosperity. There's been a lot of hype around oxytocin, some of it valid (infant/mother bonding, and it seems to be useful in improving social skills with autistic children) and some of it seems to be just hype (so far, there seems to be no method of administration that allows oxytocin to cross the blood-brain barrier, so any endogenous administration is questionable at best).

PAUL J. ZAK, Ph.D., is professor of economic psychology and management at Claremont Graduate University. As the founding director of Claremont's Center for Neuroeconomics Studies, he is at the vanguard of neuroeconomics, a new discipline that integrates neuroscience and economics. He has a popular Pyschology Today blog called The Moral Molecule. He makes numerous media appearances, and his research has been featured in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, USA Today, Scientific American, Fast Company, and many others.

From Wikipedia:

Zak's research aims to challenge the thought that people generally are driven primarily to act for what they consider their self-interest[4], and asks how morality may modulate ones interpretation of what constitutes "self-interest" in ones own personal terms.[5] Methodological questions have arisen in regards to Zak's work, however.[6] Other commentators though have called his work "one of the most revealing experiments in the history of economics." [7]

Zak spoke at TED in 2011 - Trust, morality - and oxytocin

Where does morality come from -- physically, in the brain? In this talk neuroeconomist Paul Zak shows why he believes oxytocin (he calls it "the moral molecule") is responsible for trust, empathy, and other feelings that help build a stable society.

With that background, here is the Bloggingheads episode from this week.

The Wright Show

Robert Wright (Bloggingheads.tv, The Evolution of God, Nonzero) and Paul J. Zak (The Moral Molecule, Claremont Graduate University)

• Paul's new book, "The Moral Molecule"   3:57
• Oxytocin, the chemical that causes trust   9:54
• Why Paul hugs everyone he meets   6:54
• How pickup artists use and abuse oxytocin   4:12
• Becoming a better person   4:53
• Possible pharmaceutical uses for oxytocin   3:07

Play entire video

Recorded: May 24 — Posted: May 26

Download: wmv - mp4 - mp3 - fast mp3  

Paul J. Zak - Love, Belief, and Neurobiology of Attachment

Alrighty then . . . . Sorry for the long delay, but I had to go to work. So, now I'm back, and here is the next installment in attachment theory day, from a post by Research Channel.

Love, Belief, and Neurobiology of Attachment

In this Loma Linda video, Paul J. Zak, founding director of the Center for Neuroeconomics Studies at Claremont Graduate University, gives a scientific twist on the topics of attachment and trust. By looking into the geographical and biological aspects of human trust, Zak presents an engaging conversation into how trust affects our behaviors, from our social interactions with strangers to peoples relationships with God and religion.

Sounds True - Pema Chödrön: Unconditional Confidence

Very cool podcast from Tami Simon at Sounds True - Pema Chödrön is one of my favorite teachers on any subject. This is a nice dharma teaching.

Unconditional Confidence

In addition to being the founder of Sounds True, Tami Simon also produces a number of our audio programs. One of the programs that stood out to Tami was Pema Chödrön’s Unconditional Confidence: Instructions for Meeting Any Experience with Trust and Courage. As Tami says, “When it comes to delivering heart instructions on how to work with what feels unworkable, perhaps no one hits the bulls-eye with as much warmth and accessibility as Pema Chödrön.” This week’s excerpt comes from Tami’s interview with Pema included on Unconditional Confidence, in which Pema talks about how we can puncture and aerate any difficult experience with spaciousness.

more from Pema Chodron

TEDxSantaCruz: Gonan & Johan Premfors - Trustology

Interesting talk from TEDxSantaCruz.

TEDxSantaCruz: Gonan & Johan Premfors - Trustology

Gonan and Johan are the main drivers behind the coaching and human consciousness movement on the Arabian Peninsula. Both are faculty members of the Coaches Training Institute (San Rafael, Ca.) They are the founders of Parentology, a relationship philosophy and series of workshops, currently delivered on four continents. Johan and Gonan have worked with thousands of people including business leaders, families, professional athletes, and governments.

Gonan is from Istanbul, Turkey but has lived in Dubai since 1988 where she enjoyed a long career in finance before embarking on the human development path in 2005 by bringing the Coaches Training Institute and professional coaching to the Arabian Peninsula.

Johan is from Stockholm, Sweden but grew up in Pakistan, Kenya and Turkey. He is a former private banker turned telecommunications entrepreneur and later professional coach.

They live in Dubai with their teenage daughter.

This TEDxSantaCruz talk is part of over 2 dozen surrounding our theme of "Engage!" This inaugural TEDxSantaCruz event was held June 11, 2011 at the Cabrillo College Music Recital Hall in Aptos, CA (Santa Cruz County).

Pema Chodron: Smile at Fear - A Reservoir of Trust

A little Wednesday morning dharma . . . . Pema Chodron: Smile at Fear - A Reservoir of Trust - a talk based on Chogyam Trungpa's Smile at Fear: Awakening the True Heart of Bravery.

This is an excerpt from Pema Chodron's "Smile at Fear" from Richmond, CA, October 2010. Talk 2: The Path of Fearlessness. Ani Pema teaches from Chogyam Trungpa's book "Smile at Fear: Awakening the True Heart of Bravery." This clip is on the "reservoir of trust", a trust that the universe will never stop communicating with us. Pema Chodron's archivists, Great Path. www.pemachodrontapes.com. Item 152 available on DVD, audio CD and MP3.

Tags: Pema Chodron, Smile at Fear, A Reservoir of Trust, Chogyam Trungpa, The Path of Fearlessness, Buddhism, dharma, trust, books, Awakening the True Heart of Bravery

My Review - David Richo's Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy

David Richo is a psychotherapist and well-known author. His many popular books combine Buddhism, poetry, and Jungian psychology to create tools for personal and spiritual transformation. I have enjoyed several of his books in the past, including the the three listed below.

• How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving
• When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships
• Shadow Dance: Liberating the Power and Creativity of Your Dark Side

His newest book is Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy (Shambhala Publications, 224 pgs.; $21.95. Released in Dec. 2010). [Amazon]

Here is a brief bio of David Richo from his page at Amazon.com:

David Richo, PhD, is a therapist and author who leads popular workshops on personal and spiritual growth. He received his BA in psychology from Saint John's Seminary in Brighton, Massachusetts, in 1962, his MA in counseling psychology from Fairfield University in 1969, and his PhD in clinical psychology from Sierra University in 1984. Since 1976, Richo has been a licensed marriage, family, and child counselor in California. In addition to practicing psychotherapy, Richo teaches courses at Santa Barbara City College and the University of California Berkeley at Berkeley, and has taught at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Pacifica Graduate Institute, and Santa Barbara Graduate Institute. He is a clinical supervisor for the Community Counseling Center in Santa Barbara, California.

I was a fan of Richo's When the Past Is Present, so when the opportunity arose to review this new book, I accepted. However, I was sent an unformatted galley for the Kindle, so any material I quote will not have page numbers, and the Kindle locations will be approximate because of the lack of layout in the galley.

On to the review . . . .

So, think back on all of your failed relationships. Can you identify a common factor in all of them that caused them to fail? If you, like me, can identify a lack of trust (which manifests in many ways, including emotional distancing, not being vulnerable, or even more obvious issues such as cheating), then this is the book that may help change that pattern.

Richo argues that trust (and its failure) is at the root of most relationship problems. Many authors would have written a book that simply looks at the issue of trust and offers various platitudes or strategies to reframe our issues with trust - perhaps with some silly argument that men and women are from different planets. Fortunately for us, Richo did not write that book.

Rather, in the vein of his earlier book, When the Past Is Present, Richo asks us to look at our own lives and make honest assessments of our ability to attach with others:

We can address, process, resolve, and integrate the pain and dysfunction of our past. To address means to reflect upon, appraise, and challenge our beliefs about an experience. We then process our experience—that is, feel the feelings that arise and notice how they connect to our past. Then we can move toward resolving our issue. This means no longer being held up in our move toward relating with others. We then integrate our work into our lifestyle. We do this when we take the necessary but risky steps toward trusting others without being stopped or driven by fears that restrained us in the past. - Highlight Loc. 400-404

Doing our own work, real shadow work (remember that Richo employs Jungian theory in his books), is a crucial part of the process. It's also a way that we can identify and begin to heal some of our attachment failures from childhood.

Our trust capacity is proportional to the trustworthiness we have found in all our fellow travelers on life’s voyage, especially in Mom and Dad. Thus, we are not alone in building our flotation skills on life’s tempestuous sea. Trustworthy people in our lives from childhood to the present moment live on in our psyches as accompanying and stabilizing presences. They become part of our inner resources, the psychological and spiritual structures in ourselves that give us power to face threats and deal with our needs. - Highlight Loc. 67-70

Richo employs attachment theory frequently, although not in such a way that non-psychologist readers will struggle with the terminology or the meaning. Essentially, out attachment patterns (secure of several forms of insecure) that we acquire in childhood have a powerful influence on our adult relationships.

Richo explains three of the insecure forms of attachment (avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized) in the following passage (I'm presenting this as bullet points for clarity):

• Anxious-avoidant children seek constant assurance, approval, and attention from their caregivers, and then as adults, they may demand this from partners. They may cling to others and come across as excessively dependent. They are more pessimistic about themselves and others and cannot easily trust themselves. They also find it hard to trust others because they believe they are unworthy of meriting enduring love from them.
  
• Anxious-ambivalent children are compulsively independent. As adults, they may continue that style. They see themselves as self-reliant and give the impression of not needing close bonds with others. They often conceal their authentic feelings. If someone rejects them, they simply absent themselves, making the resolution of issues in the relationship impossible. If their partner clings, they become distant or aggressive, being quite alert to what feels like engulfment.
  
• In addition, there is the category of the disorganized person. This person can focus neither on self nor on other because the original experience of engaging and responding was threatening and bizarre. In childhood, he felt fright with no remedy possible, a style not sustainable for long. As a result, a disorganized person becomes fragmented easily. He can fall apart in stressful situations since he lacks the resilience and equanimity that come from security. - Highlight Loc. 451-60
  

He comes back to attachment theory in various ways throughout the book, which I appreciated quite a bit. When we can begin to see that most people we know and with whom we may enter into relationship are doing the best they can with the emotional patterns learned as infants and toddlers (including ourselves), it fosters in us a compassion for others, and an unwillingness to so easily blame empathic failures on intent - we see the wounding behind the action, and we understand that it is rarely intentional.

* * * * *

In order to get fully on board with Richo in this book, knowing his definition of trust and how it functions is important:

Trust is not a feeling. It begins as a belief about the other, based on our own surmise or on the promises made to us. Then, as the evidence mounts that someone is indeed reliable, our trust becomes an ongoing quality of the relationship. A sense of safety and security flows from that reliability, though, of course, trust can be damaged at any time. Safety refers to an inner sense that no harm will come to us for freely being ourselves in feeling, word and deed. Security refers to an inner sense that someone will be there for us. - Highlight Loc. 159-62

Most importantly, however, he is asking us to be adults in how we conceive of trust:

The foundation of adult trust is not “You will never hurt me.” It is “I trust myself with whatever you do.” We will still be stunned, confused, and grieved by the betrayals of those we trust. But “Please don’t ever hurt me” strikes a note of victimization. Within our stronger self, we might realize: people sometimes break promises, turn out differently from what we expected them to be, change their preferences, and so forth. The adult response may sound like this: “I am prepared to deal with disappointment if and when that might happen—hopefully, never. The more invested I am in my own ideas about reality, the more those experiences will feel like victimizations rather than the ups and downs of relating. Actually, I believe that the less I conceptualize things that way, the more likely it is that people will want to stay by me, because they will not feel burdened, consciously or unconsciously, by my projections, judgments, entitlements, or unrealistic expectations.” - Highlight Loc. 178-85

This sounds easy enough, don't you think? In my own experience I can say it's much easier than it sounds. For years, my idea of trust was "please don't hurt me if I open myself to you." And I always got hurt. I was operating under this premise that Richo names - a projection we put onto the other person.

We imagine that implicit in “I love you” is “I won’t leave you.”

Over the years, I have learned to open myself to those who feel trustworthy (based on experience) and to know that if I get hurt, it will be okay, I will be sad but I will survive. I think this is what Richo is asking of us in this book.

As a neuroscience geek, I generally look for some evidence that the author has done adequate research in this area as well. So when we talk about trust, one of the things we must address is the physical element of trust that grows through touch. When we touch or are touched, our brains release oxytocin, "the cuddle hormone," as it has been dubbed in the press. This is also an element of our primary attachment to a caregiver when we are infants.

Oxytocin enters the bloodstream through closeness, cuddling, touch, orgasm. It is also released in women during breast-feeding, so that the mother-child connection can happen in a calm atmosphere. Less stress means more safety, comfort, and security, the essential elements of trust that facilitate bonding. For instance, brain scans have identified how areas in the brain that contain oxytocin become activated when we remember the people we love or look at photos of them. From a physical perspective, the orbitofrontal cortex is crucial to our capacity to handle our emotions, to understand and receive the emotions of others, and to manage the stresses of daily life. Its growth is directly influenced by interactions within a mother-child bond, especially in physical touch. Thus, our original home and community environment as well as the behavior of our primary caregivers have a direct impact on the evolution of structures in our infant brain, structures that are not fully developed for five years. Our emotional and physical relationship with our parents and significant others is a driving force in how we become who we are. - Highlight Loc. 255-63

And more:

Regarding touching, it is central to trusting. Without it we may wonder if someone really cares about us. Many of us are, and have always been, touch-starved. We may have suppressed our needs for contact and communion—which is a form of despair about finding what we need in others. In adulthood we may look to sex as a substitute for the touch and holding we need. Then we use our genitals and those of others to do what hearts are supposed to do. - Highlight Loc. 266-69

Once we get the reality that trust is both an interpersonal quality in our relationships AND an intrapersonal experience of our resilience and ability to handle pain and hurt, then we can move on to look at how we manifest trust (or love) in our relationships. For this, Richo offers the "five A's": attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing.

The practice of the five A’s is a path out of grandiose narcissism into the possibility of relatedness: Paying attention to a partner frees a person from self-absorption. Acceptance of the other frees a partner from judgment of the other. Appreciation is a loving alternative to indifference and resentment. Showing affection without always demanding that it lead to sex facilitates a rich and deep closeness. Letting go of control makes it possible to honor the freedom of the other, the real meaning of allowing. - Highlight Loc. 882-85

As important as these Five A's are to a relationship, however, this is only one of six qualities that must be in place in order for us to be in a healthy relationship (this list also comprises his definition of a long-term relationship):

It is wise to trust when we see at least these six factors consistently present in the relationship: 1. Sincere work on letting go of ego for the success of the relationship. 2. A continual giving of the five A’s, shown by attunement to our feelings. 3. The abiding sense that the relationship offers a secure base from which each partner can explore and a safe haven to which each can return. 4. A series of kept agreements. 5. Mutuality in decision making. 6. A willingness to work problems out with each other by addressing, processing, resolving them together. This includes a willingness to declare our pain about what is missing in the relationship and our appreciation of what is fulfilling. These six also serve as the definition of long-term commitment. Trust then can be defined as what happens in us in response to evidence that a commitment has been made to us. Otherwise, we live on guard and our ego has to grow proportionally as our protector, albeit always afraid underneath. - Highlight Loc. 894-901

Richo suggests that when we experience the Five A's from a partner, our ego gets to relax its vigilance, need for authority, and its fear and stress in favor of love and the increased self-esteem that these experiences can offer: "being valued; making useful changes; being approved, admired, and understood; being pleased about our body; and having the space to make the choices that reflect who we are."

Throughout the book there are exercises, meditations, and worksheets to help is implement these ideas in our lives and our relationships.

Based on the quality of the information, the offering of tools, and the wisdom Richo brings to the text, I would recommend this book alongside John Welwood's Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships: Healing the Wound of the Heart or Robert Augustus Masters' Transformation Through Intimacy: The Journey Toward Mature Monogamy. If you have been reading my blogs for any length of time, you'll know that is high praise.

Tags: Book Review, David Richo, Daring to Trust, Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy, relationships, Psychology, attachment, shadow work, trust, books, Shambhala Publications, When the Past Is Present, Five A's, attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, allowing, self-esteem, self trust, resilience, adult, ego