David Deida on Relationship

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Specifically, he is talking about how we can devote pure attention to our partners. He uses breeder language here as though only men might have purpose (I guess he mostly writes for men), but the message is universal in its truth.

Your Purpose Must Come Before Your Relationship

Every man knows that his highest purpose in life cannot be reduced to any particular relationship. If a man prioritizes his relationship over his highest purpose, he weakens himself, disserves the universe, and cheats his woman of an authentic man who can offer her full, undivided presence.

Admit to yourself that if you had to choose one or the other, the perfect intimate relationship or achieving your highest purpose in life, you would choose to succeed at your purpose. Just this self-knowledge often relieves much pressure a man feels to prioritize his relationship when, in fact, it is not his highest priority.

Your mission is your priority. Unless you know your mission and have aligned your life to it, your core will feel empty. Your presence in the world will be weakened, as will your presence with your intimate partner. The next time you notice yourself "giving in" to your woman, postponing your mission and denying your true purpose in order to spend time with her, stop. Tell your woman that you love her, but you cannot deny your heart's purpose. Tell her that you will spend 30 minutes (or some specific time) with her in absolute attention and total presence, but then you must return to carry on your mission.

Your woman will be more fulfilled with 30 minutes a day of undivided attention and ravishing love than she will with a few hours of your weak and divided presence when your heart really isn't into it. Time you spend with your woman should be time you really want to be with her more than anything else. If you'd rather be doing something else, she'll feel it. Both of you will be dissatisfied.

~ Excerpt from The Way of the Superior Man

I can see the truth in this from my last relationship. There were often times when I spent time with her and would rather have been somewhere else, doing something that felt important to me at the time. She could always sense that, too. There were other issues involved besides my own stuff, but I didn't know enough to set a clear boundary that we both could be clear on. If I had known how to recognize what was happening and deal with it at the time, things would have been much better between us.

Deida is correct that most partners would rather focused quality attention for shorter periods than longer and unfocused, uncommitted attention. I wish I would have read his work years ago.

Tags: David Deida, relationships, purpose, attention, The Way of the Superior Man