Saturday, July 22, 2006

Ken Wilber Humor


Clint at the Ken Wilber shrine, er, blog, yeah, it's a blog, has posted a collection of Ken Wilber humor. They lifted most of it from Integralwiki.net, but they also lifted a bunch of Chuck Norris jokes and inserted The Ken.

Here is some of that fine KW humor (well, okay, it's just mildly entertaining):

Random Ken Wilber Facts

-Ken Wilber has mastered over 40 different styles of martial arts, including three that are unknown to any other human, living or dead.

-Ken Wilber doesn't shave his head. He long ago willed his hair to stop growing.

-During a recent session of advanced kundalini meditation, Ken Wilber spontaneously combusted, then arose out of the ash reborn. This cycle has been repeated since the dawn of man's conception of time.

-Ken Wilber can go from ego to nondual in 3.9 seconds.

-George Lucas based the original Star Wars trilogy over a story Ken told him at a bar, about his social traumas and struggles during childhood.

-Ken Wilber has transcended transcendence.

-Ken Wilber can reproduce asexually, by mitosis.

-There is no Alpha and Omega, there is only Ken Wilber

-The crater in the Yucatan Peninsula was created when Ken Wilber's spaceship ran out of fuel and crashed into the face of the earth. Ken is sorry about the dinosaurs

-Ken Wilber glows under black light.

-Once Ken Wilber had an epiphany and it resulted with the manifestation of all 57 varieties of Heinz (including the green and purple ketchup).

-Ken Wilber can divide by zero.

-The Inuit tribe of North America has 37 words for Ken Wilber.

-Ken Wilber can see in the dark, but only by making a high pitched squeal, and feeling the vibrations of it reflecting off of other surfaces. Bats learned this from Ken Wilber.

-You can determine Ken Wilber's age by cutting off his leg and counting the rings.

-He can say, with a straight face, that a certain developmental level enjoys having sex with all sentient beings... for a reason.
Here are the Wilber/Norris jokes:

In light of this celebration of Ken Wilber humor, we have decided to divulge the truth about all those “Chuck Norris” jokes you have seen on the internet. We wrote them all about Ken just over three and a half years ago. And, yes, they are all true. We sold the rights to Chuck Norris because we felt sorry for him and we needed money to start Integral Naked. Below is a selection of the best ones:

-Ken Wilber's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

-MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Ken Wilber can kill him and take it.

-Ken Wilber once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Again, he is sorry about this.

-Ken Wilber doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

-If you ask Ken Wilber what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

-Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Ken Wilber instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

-Ken Wilber appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Ken replied, "That's no glitch."

-Ken Wilber lost his virginity before his dad did.

-Ken Wilber sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Ken roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

-The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Ken Wilber--more than meets the eye, Ken Wilber--robot in disguise," and starred Ken Wilber as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a Mercedes SUV. This was far too awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

-Ken Wilber is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

-It was once believed that Ken Wilber actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Ken Wilber himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

-Ken Wilber recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

-If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Ken Wilber.

-If you can see Ken Wilber, he can see you. If you can't see Ken Wilber, you may be only seconds away from death.

-On the 7th day, God rested....and Ken Wilber took over.

-Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Ken Wilber.

-If you want a list of Ken Wilber's enemies, just check the extinct species list.

-Ken Wilber has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

-If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Ken Wilber.

-Ken Wilber is Luke Skywalker's real father.

-Ken Wilber does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

-Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Ken Wilber roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

-Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Ken Wilber. Ken showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.


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