Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Equanimity Revisited -- The Lacking
This morning Blogger was down for more than an hour. Who knows how long it really was, I had to go to work. The thing is, I had a break between my early client and my first session at the gym, so I came home to blog a bit. But Blogger was down -- and not just my ability to post, the whole thing was down, including my site. Usually the blogs stay up and can be read even if I can't post, but today the whole damn system was down. Infuriating.
And that would be the problem. I was infuriated. I kept trying to reload the "dashboard" so that I could post, but it wouldn't work. I couldn't leave it alone. And to top things off, Blogger thinks I am a spammer so I have to do a word verification just to post to my own blog until they fix it. Can you say outrage?
Blogger sucks. If you are thinking about starting a blog, don't use Blogger. Use anything else -- use scotch tape and notebook paper -- but don't use Blogger.
Okay, now that I have that off my chest, my reason for this post is to show how quickly a nice morning can go to hell when my attachment to control gets triggered. As I was driving home from my first client (5 am session), it was a little after 6 am, the sky was clear and blue, the temperature was a nice 65 degrees, and the birds were singing their little beaks off. A beautiful day.
Then the Blogger thing.
I have a subpersonality that absolutely has to feel like he is in control. I can usually pacify him and get him to play nice with my other subs, but when a situation leaves him feeling like he has absolutely no control at all, that some mindless, faceless "thing" is running the show and screwing it up, he gets so agitated that he can take over my Self. He goes from being a sub to being me.
As I continue to gain more observer self and can witness this happening, it feels like being possessed. I literally know, at some level, exactly what is happening, but I often can't pull myself out of it until I remove myself from the situation. Once I was at the gym, and I got past the realization that my agitation might be transferred onto my first client (with whom I also feel agitated sometimes due to her unwillingness to do what she knows she needs to do -- thus the fear of transferring it onto her), I was fine.
A few deep breaths and I was able to release it and do my job.
This one sub often prevents me from experiencing equanimity. I think of him as the "controller," since he always needs to feel like he is in control. I couldn't just walk away from the computer this morning and do something else. He is still pissed off at Blogger.
I'm not sure how to root him out and reduce his influence, but being more and more aware of him does help me to know when he is acting up. If I can find a way to see him coming and shut the door, I think that might help.
Does anyone else out there experience something like this, or something similar with another sub? How do you handle it? What do you do to shut it down and regain control of your Self?
Technorati Tags: Blogger, Blogger sucks, Equanimity, Agitation, Control, Subpersonality, Observer self, Witness
Del.Icio.Us Tags: Blogger, Blogger sucks, Equanimity, Agitation, Control, Subpersonality, Observer self, Witness