I was raised not to feel my emotions -- and that's my default response to things I don't want to deal with. But I know this isn't healthy. If I am to grow as a person, I have to be able to sit with my feelings, feel all of their affects on me, and tolerate the discomfort than might arise.
I've been working on this for years, in therapy and in my meditation practice. It's getting better, but until tonight, I didn't know how much better it had become.
When jealousy came up in me tonight, I was able to hold the feeling, not repress it. What I saw was how I responded, both physically and emotionally, as the feeling came up and dissipated. This was really useful in that I could watch the process at work, as an observing Self, and also in recognizing that I hold this feeling that I was previously unaware of.
If we are to do shadow work -- if I am to do shadow work -- I have to be able to face the hard things that come up and not try to repress them. This isn't easy for most of us, certainly not for me -- and I have been doing this work for years.
When we experience the hard feelings that come up -- from shadow work or in our daily lives -- we have to be able to allow the full experience of those feelings. It is only when we can be with our feelings, without attaching to them or repressing them, that we can learn about how they come up and how -- if we allow them to move through us -- they will often dissipate on their own, provided we do not attach to them.
This was a good lesson for me tonight. And it gives me hope that I can make progress in other areas of my life.
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