Sacred Sex: Marriage or Tantra?

A while back, Jay posted an entry inspired by a discussion at Integral Naked around the John Ince interview. You can read Jay's post here. Ince basically suggests professional sex workers and non-monogamy to counter the loss of sexual fire so many married couples experience. Jay takes the notion a step further, to sacred sex outside of marriage. He is not advocating for this, just looking at the possibility, and skeptically, I might add.

This was my response, posted in the Integral Relationship pod at Zaadz:

When Jay posted this on his blog, I pretty much took a Hell No point of view on this. It seemed/seems incomprehensible to me that anyone could be in a place where knowing one's partner is getting lit up during sex with someone else would be tolerable.

The biggest obstacle I can see would be the trust/intimacy that allows truly mind-blowing sex (meaning: ego left lying on the floor with the clothes) takes time and emotional intimacy to generate. I don't see this happening with a consort without destroying the intimacy of the primary relationship.

All this assumes there are NO problems in the primary relationship – how many of us can say that?

On the other hand, assuming both partners are down with it and emotionally mature enough to handle it, there are variations of tantra that rely on manipulation of breath and meditation to alter consciousness. People swear by it, and it has along tradition supporting it. But let's remember that this practice was developed in an authoritarian culture and reflects those values – it was mostly for men, who used women as tools (although envisioning them as sacred consorts) to achieve higher states of consciousness.

I've tried the tantra thing when I was younger and, yeah, it sure can get the kundalini flowing. Certainly that has an impact on consciousness, but it felt more like a state experience and less likely to provide on ongoing impetus for growth. I just wanted more and more, like a drug.

On the other hand, I've experienced deeply intimate sex with a partner whom I trust and feel a deep connection with. This is the check-your-ego-at-the-door stuff that leaves you craving that egoless state, both with your partner and in the rest of your life. To me, this is more likely to produce a lasting change than the tantra route. But that may just be a personal preference.

What I'm saying here is that we are no longer living in the axial age. We have evolved two or three steps up the ladder. With that comes a different perspective on sacred sexuality. While before it may have been okay to seek it outside of the primary relationship (most marriages were business deals between families, or even villages), this no longer seems like a valid approach.

My guess is that the primary relationship can be a better method for achieving the ego-transcendence that the tantrists sought in the previous eras. True emotional intimacy in sexuality can align us with the Eros of the Kosmos in a way purely meditative sex never will.

So not only is sacred sex ouside of marriage (or the primary relationship, for those of us who are not married) a bad idea logistically and emotionally, I think it is spiritually inferior to the alternative.

Anyone have any thoughts on this? Can sacred sex outside of the primary relationshop ever work? Why or why not?


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