This was yesterday's Daily Om.
Permission To Forgive Ourselves
Releasing Guilt
Learning to accept the things that we perceive as wrong can be a difficult task for many of us. Often we have been brought up to accept that it is normal to feel guilty about our actions and that by doing so we will make everything seem alright within ourselves. Even though we might feel that we have a reason to make up for the choices we have made, it is much more important for us to learn how to deal with them in a healthy and positive way, such as through forgiveness and understanding.
When we can look back at our past and really assess what has happened, we begin to realize that there are many dimensions to our actions. While feeling guilty might assuage our feelings at first, it is really only a short-term solution. It is all too ironic that being hard on ourselves is the easy way out. If we truly are able to gaze upon our lives through the lens of compassion, however, we will be able to see that there is much more to what we do and have done than we realize. Perhaps we were simply trying to protect ourselves or others and did the best we could at the time, or maybe we thought we had no other recourse and chose a solution in the heat of the moment. Once we can understand that dwelling in our negative feelings will only make us feel worse, we will come to recognize that it is really only through forgiving ourselves that we can transform our feelings and truly heal any resentment we have about our past.
Giving ourselves permission to feel at peace with our past actions is one of the most positive steps we can take toward living a life free from regrets, disappointments, and guilt. The more we are able to remind ourselves that the true path to a peaceful mind and heart is through acceptance of every part of our lives and actions, the more harmony and inner joy we will experience in all aspects of our lives.
I agree completely with this -- and I am someone who has a very hard time being compassionate with myself over past mistakes. Although I still struggle with this, what I have learned is that once I realize I have learned from my mistakes, there is no longer any use in holding onto the guilt or shame.
Some of us have a bad habit -- really, it's more of a subpersonality -- of holding onto our mistakes and beating ourselves up for them. This does nothing productive, and it can be very destructive in creating a sense that we are not worthy of, or do not deserve to be happy. Over time, this belief, which is usually unconscious, can shape our lives into hollow shells lacking love, happiness, and connection.
Besides working with our parts, tonglen is one way to work with these feelings. Here is a basic explanation of how tonglen works.
Visualize someone to whom you feel very close, particularly someone who is suffering and in pain. As you breathe in, imagine you take in all their suffering and pain with compassion, and as you breathe out, send your warmth, healing, love, joy, and happiness streaming out to them.
Now, gradually widen the circle of your compassion to embrace first other people to whom you also feel very close, then to those about whom you feel indifferent, then to those whom you dislike or have difficulty with, then even to those whom you feel are actively monstrous and cruel. Allow your compassion to become universal, and to enfold in its embrace all sentient beings, and all beings, in fact, without any exception.
We can begin this process with ourselves, rather than someone else, as Pema Chodron points out:
We just go right into that which we usually armor against. And, conversely, when there?s attachment or addiction, we train in letting go of those things. It doesn't have to do, really, with morality or ethics, per se, at all. It just has to do with what brings an individual happiness. And what then brings happiness to the bigger picture as well. But, it is good for us to do this, that's the interesting thing.
We're not doing it because we want everyone else to be happy, therefore we're willing to suffer —although sometimes the teachings do sound like that. But, the truth is, it's what will also bring us happiness.
It takes courage, that's why the image of the warrior or the bodhisattva —warrior or bodhisattva are two names for the same thing— it's the one who cultivates courage. Because it does take courage to go to reside with this kind of energy —you want to get away from it. Whether you know what the core fear, core belief, is or not, you know what that energy feels like.
And you know you want to get out of there. And then you begin to acknowledge your thoughts— like all the ways you get out of there: it's her fault, it's his fault, it's because of me, I'm bad... endless.
We can work with our guilt in the same way we might work with someone else's pain. We breathe into our heart and transform it into healing light and peaceful compassion, then exhale those energies to ourselves.
We all deserve to be happy. Guilt and shame are two of many ways that we can ensure we will never be happy. Releasing those feelings can be tough, but it creates so much more space within us for joy, curiosity, and love.
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