Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Satire: Saddam, Pinochet Rip Overcrowded Conditions in Hell

From the wonderfully warped mind of Andy Borowitz:
Saddam, Pinochet Rip Overcrowded Conditions in Hell
Deceased Madmen Forced to be Roommates

In a joint press conference in Hell today, recently diseased dictators Saddam Hussein of Iraq and Augusto Pinochet of Chile blasted what they called “intolerable overcrowding” in Satan’s kingdom, complaining that the two of them had been forced to become roommates for eternity.

The year-end death-spurt among evil dictators had many Hell-watchers wondering how Satan would accommodate the sudden influx of international pariahs, especially since both Saddam and Pinochet had reportedly sold their souls to the devil decades ago in the hopes of securing Hell’s coveted presidential suite.

But as a result of dying just weeks apart in the last month of 2006, the two madmen arrived in the underworld only to be informed that they would have to bunk down with each other forever.

“As evil madmen, we had every right to expect a special place in Hell,” said Saddam, who was hanged by an Iraqi executioner last week. “I didn’t gas all of those Kurds to spend eternity with a roommate.”

General Pinochet concurred that Hell was miserably overcrowded, adding, “I’m just counting my blessings that Judith Regan didn’t kick the bucket, too.”

But minutes after the two totalitarian megalomaniacs concluded their press conference, Satan held a media briefing of his own, blasting both Saddam and Pinochet as “crybabies.”

“Ever since those two dudes got down here it’s been nothing but whine, whine, whine,” Satan said. “I never heard these kinds of complaints from Nixon.”

Elsewhere, a giant ice shelf collapsed in the Canadian arctic, spurring rumors that the ice shelf had been partying with Britney Spears.

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