Saturday, June 10, 2006

Gratitude

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I went to see a Tibetan monk today give a lecture on the nature of mind and pointing out instructions. I could barely stay awake. I think the combination of him speaking in Tibetan for 10 minutes and then having the translator try to restate his words in English (that was only passable) just didn't work for me.

But there was more. I've been thinking about an Integral Buddhism of late, one that speaks to all the various levels of development within us. Another thing from today's experience that turned me off was the ritualized recitation of prayers and dedications at the beginning and end of each half of the meeting. It felt like being in church as a kid. And I really had the feeling that many of the people in the room who had the words memorized were just going through the motions. Reminded me of doing Hail Marys.

There were a lot of Blue meme elements to the event. Some I certainly see the value of, but that also seemed like automated behaviors rather than devotional. That says more about the practitioners than it does the practices, but it bothered me. I need different forms of Blue meme worship. I'm not sure what they might be, but different.

I am supposed to go to another event tomorrow. A voice in my head is saying that I already signed up so I should just go, if for no other reason than to show support for the college bringing the monk to Tucson. It's the voice in my head that says, "Just do it because you should. It's good for you. It won't be that bad."

But when I check in with myself, I just don't want to do it. I didn't enjoy it today (or learn anything), and I won't enjoy it tomorrow. Besides, if we don't go (Kira was going with me), we can spend the day relaxing together, which we both need.

So today I am grateful that I can hear all the voices in my head and weed through the ones that aren't really me and the voice of my aware self. Not too long ago, I would have gone to the thing tomorrow, not enjoyed it, and then felt bad about not enjoying it. I am grateful that meditation and working with subpersonalities has allowed me to be more self-aware.

I am also grateful for World Cup soccer. There have been some amazing goals already (see Tuff Ghost's post).

What are you grateful for?

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