Sunday, April 16, 2006

Haiku -- In Process

I posted this haiku a little over a week ago. Kai correctly pointed out that it wasn't quite working, that it lacked tension and dynamism. So here is the original and a new version.












Original:

red-tail hawk
circles overhead --
soft prayer


New:

red-tail hawk
warm swirling wind --
desert sky


As I am typing this, I am no longer satisfied with the revision. How about this?


red-tail hawk
sharp tumbleweeds --
desert breeze


I'm not sure that this version works either, but it feels better as a haiku.

Anyway, here is one other poem from today's efforts. I have two versions of the same haiku. I wrote the first version, but it didn't feel right, so I did the second one, which feels better, but still not quite there.


deep canyon
bare rock trickle --
quiet falls


naked rocks
warm morning sun --
quiet falls


This photo was taken just before the sun reached the canyon floor -- you can see it on the far upper left of the photo. Just imagine the sun has already risen.

I might have to come back to this one, as well. Haiku is much easier when they come as an AHA! and they're fully formed on the first take.

The hard part of haiku for me is working with the internal tension of the images. I like the freedom to explore that comes with longer forms, which is why I decided to begin working with haiku. But the process sometimes feels like pulling teeth.

I'm sure I'll be back with this continuing adventure in self-torment. Please share any comments or insights you might have.

[Hawk image]
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