This is part of my
Daily Om horoscope from one day last week. I've been mulling it over in my head since reading it, unsure of how to work with the info, but sure that it was important.
Understanding our feelings first allows us to set healthy boundaries for ourselves. There is the inclination for many of us to keep using the same defense mechanisms over and over again. Since each situation is different, it is important that we reflect upon what we need to do to communicate our needs and establish boundaries that work for us in each given situation. This means that instead of learning to guard ourselves, each time we feel uncomfortable we must learn to evaluate what would ease communication so that we feel better. Knowing your feelings today will help you create an environment that works well for you.
Knowing what I feel has been an ongoing challenge for me. I've been working on it for years, and I have seen a lot of progress, but it has been slow. Among other places, I've blogged about this
here and
here.
What follows is my perception of how things have been in my life -- it may or may not bear any resemblance to reality.
One of the things I've discovered in the last month or so, as I have looked back over my relationship history, is that I willingly accept the premise that I am flawed and in need of fixing. It seems that all of my partners have seen me (either explicitly or implicitly) as a work in progress, as wet clay they could mold. When I don't accept the premise, I withdraw rather than establish a clear boundary.
Few of them were so bold as to say it outright -- and most probably were not conscious of what they were doing. The worst version of it is when one partner repeatedly pushed me to "grow" in a way that would make her happy, while making me feel that I wasn't interested in being a better person if I didn't get with her program. That was a fun experience in emotional manipulation.
But what occurs to me, and I hate to use the New Age crap that we create our own reality (nothing is as offensive to me as blaming the victim), is that I draw these people to me.
In subpersonality theory, we project our disowned selves onto others, who then either are repulsive to us or appealing to us, according to how we relate to those disowned selves. For example, if I project my disowned slacker onto a coworker, I will be annoyed by his lack of work ethic. But if project my disowned child onto a woman I meet, I will be attracted to her playfulness. This is shadow work 101.
So apparently, I have been projecting a disowned self onto these women in my life. This self appears to want me to be more whole and complete, and it will manipulate me in whatever way necessary to get there. The problem is that no one can make me change unless I want to change -- not even my own subpersonalities. It can't be forced from the outside, and I can't be manipulated into changing, even though I usually go along with it in silence.
Here's part of what happens: I hear this subtle or not so subtle command to be more [fill in the blank], and my
Inner Critic immediately latches on to the critique and starts using it against me. He loves to have new ammunition in his attacks on me. I'm sure he rejoices when I choose women who need to "fix" me.
So whether or not the criticism is valid does not matter, my Critic will be on board with it and I find myself going along with it. Another part of this situation is that I would rather suffer in silence than speak up for my boundaries.
My approach, and I think this is common to a lot of men, is that when I feel unsafe or attacked by my partner, even if it is subtle and never explicitly stated, I withdraw emotionally. Rather than establish a boundary that says
you can't fix me, that says
you can want what you want but you have to accept that this is who I am and deal with that in whatever way works for you, I silently withdraw.
Obviously, this hasn't worked out so well. The next time, now that I am clear about my lack of boundaries in this area, I must be willing to risk rejection in order to honor who I am and my own pace of transformation. This is a huge challenge for me. Risking rejection is like giving my Critic permission to fire freely, especially if I do end up rejected.
But what is the alternative? This old approach, which I probably learned as a child when I was being criticized by my parents, is not working and never has. It was appropriate to a young child who can't speak up for himself, but it does not work for a grown man who can set clear boundaries and ask that they be respected.
James Frey Might Want To Go Back To Just Making Things Up
On September 4, 1781, a group of 46 men, women and children who called themselves the Pobladores established a settlement in what is now the City of Los Angeles. They named it El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula. Two-thirds of the settlers were African, of African descent or mulatto.
