Rob Preece - Dharma Quote: Sense of Self

Great quote this week from Snow Lion Publications.

THE COURAGE TO FEEL
Buddhist Practices for
Opening to Others
by Rob Preece
more...

Dharma Quote of the Week

When we have a poor sense of self we can easily become formless in the sense that we do not express our boundaries or our "shape" and may then be taken advantage of to our detriment. I have known a number of Buddhist friends who had a disposition to be self-effacing and self-negating in a particularly unhealthy and detrimental way. They would often find themselves being taken advantage of and feeling powerless to do anything about it. They would tell themselves that they had to give up "self-cherishing" and so let what was happening continue. I found this very sad and frustrating to watch because it became increasingly clear that they were struggling inside with something they had been told was a taboo--looking after themselves. In the case of these friends, it was clear that their lack of self-assertion was actually a cause of more suffering. In many ways, it was actually reinforcing their wounding. It also meant that those who took advantage were being quite abusive in what they were doing.

We should not confuse a healthy self-regard and self-assertion with [selfish concern, or self-preoccupation, in which the mind becomes disturbed and tight, reacting to conflicting or challenging situations with defensiveness, anger, jealousy, greed, embarrassment, or worry, contracting into oneself.]

...Learning to let go of the disposition to be self-preoccupied is not an easy step to take because it will challenge us where we defensively still hold on. Once we become aware of the disposition, we will see it time and again in relatively insignificant as well as in major ways. I saw this in a small way as I walked to work one morning. I saw a worm struggling to cross the footpath and in danger of drying up and dying. I had a moment of choice in which I could have picked up the worm and placed it in the grass, potentially saving its life. I didn't, I regret to say, because there were some people coming towards me and I suddenly felt embarrassed about what they would think about me.

...Letting go is not the same as doing nothing or letting everyone walk over you. But when we go into the contracted space [of obsessive thinking and self-preoccupation], it hurts. When we let go, there is the possibility of doing something about our situation, but not from the same emotional place.... When we have let go of the contracted self-preoccupation, we begin to have a choice.

...Letting go of self-preoccupation does not imply passivity. It means recognizing that the cause of suffering is the contraction into ourselves in a way that actually increases the pain. When we stay open, we can still assert what is important for us. It requires a certain kind of inner strength to keep our heart open.

--from The Courage to Feel: Buddhist Practices for Opening to Others by Rob Preece, published by Snow Lion Publications

Tags: Buddhism, books, The Courage to Feel, Buddhist Practices for Opening to Others, Rob Preece, Snow Lion Publications, Dharma Quote, sense of self