Mormon LDS Church to Consider Allowing Masturbation
by Nick Fun
LDS Church leaders gathered in secrecy last night to explore the option of allowing young men the right to masturbate to satisfy their youthful urges.
Masturbation has always been forbidden in the church and church leaders have encouraged young men to simply wait for nocturnal emissions to clean out their "little factories". However, many young Mormons seem to be masturbating regardless of the church's policy. LDC Church President Henry B. Eyring admits that he masturbated once when he was a teenager.
"It was simply a youthful experimentation", Eyring explained. "I didn't enjoy it, I didn't ejaculate and I would never do it again".
Church leaders drafted a strict masturbation policy for the teenage boys:
*Parents must be fully supportive of the boy's desire to masturbate.
*Masturbation would be limited to no more than once a month.
*Pornography will not be allowed, however, Victoria's Secrets catalogs and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition would be allowed under tight restriction after the age of 17.
*Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES would any homosexual, prurient or deviant thought be allowed.
*Masturbation must stop after the young man has married a woman.
"We want to make sure these kids don't grow up and vote 'NO' on California's Proposition 8", Eyring explained. Voting no on Proposition 8 would have allowed gays the right to marry in California.
Eyring and other church leaders explained that the church has learned to grow with the times and that masturbation is immoral and will lead to eternal damnation only if done to excess.
Eyring said there would be no church policy regarding girls masturbating because, as he stated, "I don't think girls do that. From what I understand, they don't have penises!"
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Satire: Mormon LDS Church to Consider Allowing Masturbation
Some good satire from Unconfirmed Sources.