Satire: We, The Class Of 2007, Have A Unique Opportunity To Change The World

From The Onion:

We, The Class Of 2007, Have A Unique Opportunity To Change The World

By Callie Gesmundo, 2007 Lakewood High School Valedictorian

When I sat down to write this speech, I thought a lot about what I had learned over the past four years. On the first day of classes, we were 106 different people—106 strangers who came from three separate grade schools all across Montrose County. Looking back, I am reminded of how little we had in common, other than matching lockers and a head full of questions about our future.

But here we are, four long years later, getting ready to graduate. And over those years, along with several hundred math classes, just as many lunch periods, and a couple incredible wins for our football team at state—Go Tigers! [WAIT FOR APPLAUSE]—we have formed an indestructible bond of friendship that will last us the rest of our lives. These four years have equipped us with all the education, experience, compassion, and wisdom we need to tackle any obstacle that comes our way. Now it's our turn to give back.

It is this very topic I hope to speak about today.

As we leave our beloved school to go to different colleges and become the next great scientists, doctors, lawyers, and maybe even the president of the United States—Jeremy!—we have a responsibility to share what we have learned at Lakewood with the rest of the world. I urge you, fellow classmates, to spread the kindness you have received these last four years through your words and deeds wherever you go. We are the leaders of tomorrow. This class is poised to do great things. We must all remember that success if not defined by how much money you make or how big your house is, but by the quality of your character and how you treat others.

Thomas Edison once said, "If we did the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves." Never has this quote been more true than for the 2007 class of Lakewood High School.

So, as I look at you before me, I am filled with pride at all we have achieved [PAUSE] together. And all we have yet to achieve, as well. We may have entered this place as 106 separate strangers, but we have emerged as 106 friends with our whole lives ahead of us. It is up to us to live each day to its fullest and be the change we want to see in the world.

Never forget what an incredible journey we've traveled together to get here today. It's time for us to go out and change the world for the better. And after getting to know each and every one of you, I'm sure that we can.

Congratulations, Class of 2007. We did it!

Tags: satire, The Onion, graduation, changing the world, humor