Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Satire: JonBenet Suspect 'Lacks Credibility,' Says O.J.

From the oh so twisted genius of Andy Borowitz:

JonBenet Suspect 'Lacks Credibility,' Says O.J.

Urges Search For Real Killers

Former football great O.J. Simpson weighed in on the latest developments in the JonBenet Ramsey murder case today, holding a press conference to say that the prime suspect in the case, John Mark Karr, "lacks credibility."

Mr. Simpson, who said that he has spent almost every waking moment of the past eleven years searching for the real killers of his wife Nicole, remarked that it was unusual for him to take time out from that tireless search to comment on another murder investigation.

"But I felt that I had to say something about this, because I strongly believe that the police got the wrong guy," Mr. Simpson said. "And all I could think of was, man, déjà vu."

The former Heisman Trophy winner said that after hearing Mr. Karr speaking at a news conference in Bangkok, "There were holes in his story you could drive a white Bronco through."

Mr. Simpson urged Boulder Country District Attorney Mary Lacey not to "rush to judgment" and instead to focus on finding "the real killers" of JonBenet: "From all the evidence I've seen, I think Columbian drug lords could have been involved."

The NFL legend said that while no one in Boulder had asked him to lend his investigative skills to the search for JonBenet's real killers, it was unlikely he would be joining such an effort in any event.

"What with looking for my wife's real killers and all, my plate is pretty full," he said.

Elsewhere, one day after Tiger Woods won the PGA Championship at Medinah Country Club in Illinois, Hezbollah claimed that they actually won.

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