Sunday, February 26, 2006

Existential Angst


[All images lifted from this cool site]

Do you ever have one of those moments when you just take a giant step back from yourself and take an objective look at what you believe to be true about the Kosmos?

In the moment when it is happening, I see the entire Kosmos as though I am looking down on it, and the thought that seizes my mind is that I am foolish to think I have any understanding at all of how things work. In fact, it seems like the ultimate hubris to believe that there is any form of creative intelligence or divinity present at all--especially one that values human existence as somehow special within the vastness of created space. To think that we are important in any way to the overall evolution of the Kosmos feels, in that moment, like the wishful thinking of a child.

And then the But . . . .

So what?

In that moment I feel so small, so unimportant, so humble.

I am one small, somewhat fragile biological creature among 6.5 billion similar creatures--most of whom will not live more than 75 years--on one little four-billion-year-old planet in a rather nondescript solar system inhabiting one limb of a trivial galaxy in the midst of an infinite universe that has been expanding for more than 10 billion years.

Why would I ever think I know anything about anything?

And yet, I have faith that at least several hundred people throughout human history have meditated, prayed, or otherwise transcended egoic consciousness to the point that they experienced some sense of oneness with an intelligence as vast as that whole amazing Kosmos.

Maybe it was illusion, delusion, or the real thing. I don't care. I am choosing to believe that there is such an intelligence; that said intelligence is in no way male, female, or anthropoid; that said intelligence is compassionate and loving--the embodiment of a divine Eros--rather than vengeful and motivated by jealousy and power.

In the absence of such a belief, life is absurd. I am willing to take Soren Kierkegaard's leap of faith. I used to ridicule such faith, and perhaps I am growing foolish as I get older. Yet I am willing to risk being wrong on this rather than live with the alternative.

When I was a young nihilist I drank a lot. It's easier to believe in nothing when all that matters is the next bottle, the next woman, or the next opportunity to trash someone else's beliefs--mostly in that order. I embodied the angry punk ethos of an absurdly stupid world.

Now I prefer faith to anger.

Now I prefer hope to despair.

Now I prefer humility to hubris.

I don't know where those moments I mentioned at the top of this post come from, or why. I don't know if they are offering some truth I cannot yet fathom. I don't know if I am seeing through some kind of illusion or simply experiencing some form of existential angst.

At this point in my life, I know so little.

And it has to be enough.

5 comments:

Steve said...

Is life truly "absurd" unless one believes in a loving and compassionate intelligence as vast as the Kosmos? I don't believe in such an intelligence, but I don't find life absurd. I DO believe in an Ultimate Reality, but It is simply the unified totality of existence--a Thich Nhat Hanhian "Interbeing" with conscious aspects--and not a kind of all-pervasive intelligence that cares what happens to me or this planet.

Would I find life absurd without this belief? I don't think so. I think I would still find joy and meaning in everyday living and loving and in the quest to learn as much about this world and universe as I could, even if there were no heaven or nirvana at the end of my earthly existence.

william harryman said...

Hi nagarjuna,

I should clarify--the intelligence that mystics have reported becoming one with is not separate from the Kosmos--it is the Kosmos, that unified totality of experience that you reference.

That said, I can make no claim for how others would experience the lack of a meaningful universe--only how I feel about it. I found it absurd.

I think I was just having a "what the hell does all this mean moment?" and trying to make sense of it in the moment of that experience. Tomorrow I might have a totally different response to the same experience.

:)

Best,
Bill

Anonymous said...

Beautiful sentiment supported by great pictures.

I can't say I share your belief that life is absurd without meaning, if only because my understanding of meaning seems so incomlete- especially after reading your post.

Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Greetings Dear William:
As a spiritual person and writer, may I commend to you my book, Master of the Jinn: A Sufi Novel, a mystical adventure tale on the Sufi path of Love. I think you will like it.
You can view the book and read an excerpt at http://www.masterofthejinn.com
In the name of the Merciful, 10% of all profits go to charity.

Peace and Blessings,

Irving

Anonymous said...

hey, great post!!!
The angst can be both quite humbling and also the period of ones most "real" meetings with the divine IMO
I did write a small poem regarding this angst... check it out... on my blog (mahipal.blogspot.com), the title is Have you ever....

be well
MRL
mahipal.blogspot.com