Satire: Christ Getting In Shape For Second Coming

From The Onion.

[DISCLAIMER: This is satire. It is meant to be funny. If you are a fundamentalist Christian who somehow found this site, please resist the urge to send me an email attempting to convert me to your faith. I am already aware that you think I will burn in hell. I'm cool with that. I'm pretty sure you're going to be a pregnant teenage girl in your next life, or be born gay in Utah.]

Christ Getting In Shape For Second Coming

April 4, 2007 | Issue 43•14

HEAVEN—Emerging from a grueling 90 minutes of cardiovascular exercise and light lifting for tone, Son of God Jesus Christ said Monday that He is "definitely on track" to achieve peak fitness condition for the Second Coming.

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The Son of God spends each morning trying to attain perfect abdominal definition.

"If every eye is going to see Me, and all the tribes of earth are going to wail on account of Me, I think I owe it to them and to Myself to be in the best shape of My life," Christ said. "Right now I'm up to 35 minutes at seven [miles per hour] on the treadmill and benching about 165 [pounds]."

"I'm really starting to feel like I'll have the strength and endurance to move every mountain and island from its place," Christ added.

Since His birthday last Dec. 25, Christ has committed Himself to a demanding daily regimen of exercise and prophecy fulfillment. Each of His workouts, Christ said, starts with an hour of cardio, after which He focuses on two muscle groups, replacing conventional free weights with the Rod of Iron with which He intends to rule all nations.

On Mondays, Christ works His chest and biceps and completes three sets of 10 transfigurations. On Tuesdays, He switches to triceps and abdominals, and passes as many sets of Last Judgments as He can in a minute. Wednesdays are devoted to the back and legs, and Thursdays and Fridays are for core and flexibility.

Even Sabbaths are spent doing yoga, swimming, and basic strength-training isometrics such as push-ups, leg lifts, and chin-ups.

"There can be no day of rest," said Christ, His eyes filled with flaming fire. "Rest is for mortals."

The determined Savior has also forsworn His favorite high-calorie, high-carb foods such as fatted calf, loaves, and even His own body and blood, instead embracing muscle-building high-protein shakes and electrolyte-replacing sports drinks. And when temptation calls, Christ need only look at two pictures taped to His refrigerator: an icon of Himself prior to starting His regimen and a reproduction of Michelangelo's "Last Judgment" fresco torn from a magazine.

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"The thought of being unable to seize the seven-headed serpent and hurl it into the abyss really keeps Me motivated," Christ said.

The Lamb of God said He made the decision to get in shape late last year when, after two millennia of relative inactivity, He realized that at His age there was "no way" He could return to Earth, judge the souls of the innocent and wicked alike, and reign over the Kingdom of God for 1,000 years without prior conditioning.

"The Second Coming isn't just Me sitting on a great white throne and judging away," Christ said. "I also have to make all of the stars fall and shake all the powers in Heaven. That's why I've been working a lot with the medicine ball."

Christ, however, admitted that centuries of heavenly grace had enabled Him to "really let [Himself] go."

"I can't lead the armies of Heaven looking like some flabby slob," said Christ, who declined to disclose His "before" weight. "That guy can't be the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. The faithful want a Messiah they can truly fear, not someone who's afraid to take off His shirt in public."

At first, Christ said He thought such a physical transformation would "take a miracle." During the first couple weeks of His exercise program, He couldn't work out on the treadmill for more than 10 minutes without gasping for breath and aggravating the old spear-point injury in His side. Now that He can deftly complete 20 ab-bench push-ups on the highest incline and almost as many chin-ups, Christ said, He feels more energetic than He has since His early 30s.

And not only has frequent exercise made Christ feel more healthy and confident, it's "cleared [His] head, which will really help [Him] deal with the massive amount of smiting and condemning."

Encouraged by His progress, particularly the increased definition in His pectoral and abdominal muscles, Christ is focusing all of His attention on visualizing the success of His Second Coming.

"Right now, it's all about Aug. 2," the goal-oriented Savior said. "And no matter how I look, there's no going back on this one like I did seven years ago."

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