Satire: Bush Cuts Off Diplomatic Relations With Congress

From The Onion:

Bush Cuts Off Diplomatic Relations With Congress

February 14, 2007 | Issue 43•07

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush announced Monday that his administration will permanently sever ties with the democratically controlled United States Congress, ending a nearly 220-year-old alliance between the two governmental branches.

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"Our administration no longer recognizes the authority of this rogue body," said Bush in a televised Oval Office address. "The hostile new leadership has a political agenda in direct opposition to our own. They have no concern for my national interests, and have left me no choice."

After six years of cordial relations between the executive and legislative branches of government, tensions flared up in January when Congress came under the control of "hostile new leadership." After a dramatic standoff last week over American policy in Iraq, the president openly denounced Congress, refused to accept calls from majority leaders, and returned Congress–approved legislation unsigned and unread.

In addition to his decision to cut off all communication, collaboration, and trade of ideas with the House and Senate, Bush also issued an executive order, effective immediately, removing all White House officials from the U.S. Capitol. Most prominent among those recalled was Vice President Dick Cheney, who also serves as the President of the Senate, which is a two-day-per-year commitment. Several Cabinet members who had been giving testimony before Congressional committees were quickly ushered to the roof of the Senate wing of the Capitol, where they boarded Marine One, the presidential helicopter, and were flown back to the White House.

"I will withhold judgment until Congress has voted on the matter."

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D–NV)

"These people hate America, and they hate freedom."

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow

Cheney, speaking from an undisclosed location, said the White House's policy toward a Democratic Congress has always been regime change.

"These people acted as though they had control over domestic issues, and were threatening to affect international policy, as well," Cheney said. "It was clearly time to put a check on this antiquated, ineffective system of checks and balances."

Bush also increased the presence of Secret Service personnel stationed at the checkpoints connecting the Capitol to the White House.

Despite the President's move, several officials close to Bush believe there are a small group of reformers within Congress who remain loyal to Bush.

"It is our duty to protect these brave dissidents however we can," White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said. "To that end, we are providing them safe haven and financial aid, in hopes that they will some day rise to power and restore relations with the chief executive of the United States of America."

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D–NV) spoke out against Bush's actions, saying his adherents "will not back down in the face of such a fearsome enemy."

"We will not be cowed by this administration," said Reid, adding that Congress will continue to draft legislation "with or without" the blessing of the executive branch. "We certainly do not intend to recognize the president's order until it is voted on by the duly elected lawmakers who are in charge of such matters."

Bush's call for sanctions against Congress and increased funding for National Guard troops to patrol Senate grounds is currently held up in the Senate Ways and Means Committee.

Despite lawmakers' threats, the Bush administration made it clear that it is not only severing ties to Congress, but also to anyone who offers the legislative body aid, comfort, or votes.

"The people who support these leaders are just as culpable as the leaders themselves," Bush said. "My administration will not engage in discussions with any federal or state office that continues to recognize this irrelevant governing body."

After delivering his announcement, President Bush reportedly entered a closed-door meeting with several key Cabinet members where his privatized Social Security plan was drafted, voted on, and subsequently passed into law.

Tags: The Onion, George Bush, Congress, satire