From the fertile imagination of Andy Borowitz:Bush: Heckuva Job, Al-Maliki
President’s Words of Praise May Mean Iraqi Premier is Through
In a meeting with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki today, President George W. Bush reportedly told him that he had his “full support” and that he was doing “a heckuva job,” indicating that Mr. al-Maliki’s tenure in office may soon be over.
In the hours leading up to the meeting with the president, Mr. al-Maliki was reportedly dreading hearing any words of praise from Mr. Bush, knowing that similar compliments paid to former FEMA chief Michael Brown and former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld had immediately preceded their ousters.
“I want him to say ‘your job is hanging by a thread’ or ‘you totally suck,’” Mr. Maliki reportedly told a close associate. “Anything but ‘heckuva job.’”
But moments after the meeting with Mr. Bush in which the president pledged his full support for the Iraqi prime minister, an ashen-faced Mr. Maliki emerged, telling reporters, “I guess I better go to Kinkos and start copying my resume.”
While Messrs. Brown and Rumsfeld are two of the most famous former staffers of the president who received his praise as a prelude to getting the boot, over twenty thousand lesser-known former Bush employees gathered this weekend for their annual convention in Scottsdale, Arizona, to focus on networking and job retraining.
“I was trimming the hedges and the president said I was doing a heckuva job,” said Blanton Kellard, a former gardener at the president’s Crawford ranch. “That’s when I knew I was toast.”
Elsewhere, for the first time since the U.S. invasion in 2003, the number of car bombs in Baghdad now exceeds the number of cars.
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