Brené Brown - Can We Gain Strength From Shame?

Brené Brown is the author most recently of Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead (2012), and before that, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are (2010), as well as other books and audio courses (available from Sounds True).

In the TED Weekend show from NPR a couple of weeks ago, she was one of the guests for the show themed on Making Mistakes - and she is the perfect person to speak to this topic, since her work is in part about daring to mistakes and NOT beating ourselves up (self-shaming) if we fail or make a mistake. As the Japanese proverb teaches, "Fall down seven times, get up eight."

This segment from NPR contains both of Brown's best known TED Talks - "Listening to Shame" and "The Power of Vulnerability" (see below).

Can We Gain Strength From Shame?

by NPR/TED STAFF
March 11, 2013

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TED Radio Hour
12 min 2 sec

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Part 2 of the TED Radio Hour episode Making Mistakes.

More From This Episode: Making Mistakes

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of every meaningful experience we have.
- Brené Brown

About Brené Brown's TED Talk

Shame is an unspoken epidemic, the secret behind many forms of broken behavior. Brené Brown studies vulnerability, courage, authenticity and shame. She discusses what can happen when people confront their shame head-on.

About Brené Brown

Brené Brown has spent the last 10 years studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity and shame. She spent the first five years of her decade-long study focusing on shame and empathy, and is now using that work to explore a concept that she calls "Wholeheartedness." She's a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, and the author of Daring Greatly!

Brown poses the questions: How do we learn to embrace our vulnerabilities and imperfections so that we can engage in our lives from a place of authenticity and worthiness? How do we cultivate the courage, compassion and connection that we need to recognize that we are enough — that we are worthy of love, belonging and joy?

Get a FREE Copy of Dr. Brené Brown's New Book, "Daring Greatly"

Dr. Brené Brown has an excellent new book out, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, and I have been given one copy by the promotion team to give to one of you.

Book Give Away:

So this is how it works: Everyone who is interested just needs to comment with "Pick Me" or some similar statement either here or at Facebook. After 48 hours, I will put all of the names into a bowl and pick one. I will try to contact the winner and get your snail-mail address and send it to you.

I have been reading Daring Greatly and enjoying it quite a lot. It is every bit as good as The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, a book that I found personally relevant, and her 2007 book, I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough", which also was personally useful in light of my social anxiety and hyperactive inner critic.

I was going to offer a brief review of the book, but the promotion folks sent me this Q and A with Dr. Brown in which she talks about Daring Greatly. In it she discusses some of the major ideas and does so far better than could I.

I particularly like the "never _________ enough" part below. In every one of my clients (not so mention my own life), there is some sense of not enough that came from parents, siblings, peers, teachers, and coaches. When that sense of not being enough remains an unconscious part of our psyche, we will live through our defenses (erected to avoid that feeling) and never quite know why we are not happy.

DARING GREATLY BY BRENÉ BROWN, PH. D., LMSW
Q&A WITH BRENÉ
1. What does it mean to “Dare Greatly?”

The phrase ‘Daring Greatly’ is from Theodore Roosevelt’s speech, Citizenship in a Republic. This is the passage that made the speech famous:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again,

because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly . . .”

The first time I read this quote, I thought, “This is vulnerability. Everything I’ve learned from over a decade of research on vulnerability has taught me this exact lesson. Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it’s understanding the necessity of both; it’s engaging. It’s being all in.”

Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose.

2. Why do you think we’re living in a culture of “never enough?”

Scarcity thrives in a culture where everyone is hyper-aware of lack. Everything from safety and love to money and resources feels restricted or lacking. We spend inordinate amounts of time calculating how much we have, want, and don’t have, and how much everyone else has, needs, and wants. The greatest casualties of a scarcity culture are our willingness to own our vulnerabilities and our ability to engage with the world from a place of worthiness.

After doing this work for the past twelve years and watching scarcity ride roughshod over our families, organizations, and communities, I’d say the one thing we have in common is that we’re sick of feeling afraid. We want to dare greatly. We’re tired of the national conversation centering on “What should we fear?” and “Who should we blame?” We all want to brave.

Our culture of scarcity is defined by this sentence:

Never _______________enough.

It only takes a few seconds before people fill in the blanks with their own version:

• Never good enough.
• Never perfect enough.
• Never thin enough.
• Never powerful enough.
• Never successful enough.
• Never smart enough.
• Never certain enough.
• Never safe enough.
• Never extraordinary enough.

The three components of scarcity are shame, comparison, and disengagement. To transform scarcity we need to Dare Greatly; we need to cultivate worthiness, a clear sense of purpose, and we need to re-engage.

3. What are the greatest myths about vulnerability?

I define vulnerability as exposure, uncertainty, and emotional risk. Yes, feeling vulnerable is at the core of difficult emotions like fear, grief, and disappointment, but it’s also the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, empathy, innovation, and creativity. When we shut ourselves off from vulnerability, we distance ourselves from the experiences that bring purpose and meaning to our lives.

Myth #1: Vulnerability is weakness.
The perception that vulnerability is weakness is the most widely accepted myth about vulnerability and the most dangerous. We love seeing raw truth and openness in other people, but we’re afraid to let them see it in us. We’re afraid that our truth isn’t enough – that what we have to offer isn’t enough without the bells and whistles, without editing, and impressing.

Myth #2: “I Don’t Do Vulnerability”
Regardless of our willingness to do vulnerability, it does us. When we pretend that we can avoid vulnerability we engage in behaviors that are often inconsistent with who we want to be.  Experiencing vulnerability isn’t a choice - the only choice we have is how we’re going to respond when we are confronted with uncertainty, risk, and emotional disclosure.

Myth #3: We Can Go It Alone
Going it alone is a value we hold in high esteem in our culture, ironically even when it comes to cultivating connection. The vulnerability journey is not the kind of journey we can make alone. We need support. We need folks who will let us try on new ways of being without judging us.

Myth #4: Trust Comes Before Vulnerability
There is no trust test, no scoring system, no green light that tells us that it’s safe to let ourselves be seen. Trust is a product of vulnerability that grows over time and requires work, attention, and full engagement. The research participants described trust as a slow-building, layered process that happens over time.

4. What do you think the key to combating vulnerability is?

The courage to be vulnerable means taking off the armor we use to protect ourselves, putting down the weapons that we use to keep people at a distance, showing up, and letting ourselves be seen.

As children we found ways to protect ourselves from vulnerability, from being hurt, diminished, and disappointed. We put on armor; we used our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors as weapons; and we learned how to make ourselves scarce, even to disappear. Now as adults we realize that to live with courage, purpose, and connection —to be the person whom we long to be—we must again be vulnerable. We must take off the armor, put down the weapons, show up, and let ourselves be seen. In Daring Greatly I talk about going inside the armory to identify the shields we use to protect ourselves and provide some strategies that can help transform the way we live, love, parent and lead.

5. What is one of your favorite examples of how you or someone you know has “Dared Greatly?”

I hear and see examples of daring greatly everyday. Sometimes people think that “daring greatly” means parachuting from a plane or climbing a mountain. Practicing vulnerability is about raising your hand at a PTO meeting and asking a tough question. It’s sharing an innovative (and seemingly strange) idea at work. It’s setting a boundary, asking for help, or offering support to someone who is struggling. If we want to change our lives, our families, or our community, we need a critical mass of ordinary courage. We need to dare to show up and be seen.

Here are some useful links for those of you who would like to read Dr. Brown's blog or see any of the TED Talks you may have missed.

Blog: http://ordinarycourage.com
 
Daring Greatly book trailer and purchasing options:
http://www.brenebrown.com/books/2012/5/15/daring-greatly.html
 
More information on the online Daring Greatly Read-Along:
http://www.ordinarycourage.com/my-blog/2012/9/6/daring-greatly-read-along.html
 
The TEDx Houston “Power of Vulnerability”
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
 
TED 2012 “Listening to Shame”
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html
 
The Daring Greatly t-shirts (benefiting charity: water)
http://www.brenebrown.com/shop
 
Download the Daring Greatly Manifestos
http://www.brenebrown.com/downloads-badges

There is also a Reader's Guide for the book - which is especially useful for reading groups who want to read and discuss the book together.

NPR - Understanding The Mysterious Teenage Brain

The teen brain is not as short-sighted as we have tended to believe. Rather, they prioritize differently, in that they know the risks but see whatever intrinsic benefits may adhere to risk-taking outweigh the potential harm. This is a long and interesting discussion from NPR's Talk of the Nation.

Understanding The Mysterious Teenage Brain

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Talk of the Nation

[47 min 23 sec]

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September 20, 2011  

It's a question that has plagued parents for generations: Why do teenagers act the way they do? Why the angst, anger and unnecessary risks? Many scientists say a growing body of research may provide some answers.

After his son was pulled over for driving 113 mph, science writer David Dobbs set out to understand what researchers know about the teenage brain. The resulting story, "Beautiful Brains," is the cover story in the October 2011 issue of National Geographic magazine. Dobbs and brain researchers B.J. Casey and Dr. Jay Giedd share their findings on what science can tell us about the teenage brain.

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Interview Highlights

On why teens need to push limits
Dobbs: "The hardest thing we ever do is leave home. It's hard emotionally. It's extremely hard intellectually and logistically. It's a real challenge. So the disincentives to do it are very strong. And as both B.J. and Jay pointed out to me at different times, if you look at the things that characterize adolescence in almost all cultures — risk, novelty-seeking and the affiliation of peers — that's the perfect menu to actually motivate you if you are 14 or 15 or 16 or 18 years old to get out and explore the world, even though it's hard to do and the risk is tremendous. You have to have taste for risk at that time of your life."

On how teens measure risk differently from adults
Dobbs: "Researchers have actually found that they don't think they're invincible. They know they can die. And they also don't underestimate risk. What they do is they overestimate risk less than adults do. If you screen them for if they understand risk, they understand [it] actually better than adults do. They just don't exaggerate the risk as much.

"And the big difference, there are rewards in some situations — like driving fast down the highway with your friends — that they care more about than adults will, which is why it's not that they don't understand the risk. It's the balance changes. They see more benefit in certain things."

On why teens shouldn't see the research as license to run wild
Casey: "I think it's very important that you acknowledge accountability, because we don't want teenagers to think that they're just free to be risk-takers and that there is no other way. This is a time when they need to explore, but they also need to recognize the limits within society of what they can and they cannot do. That's part of transitioning from dependence on parents to independence and being a pro-social adult."

On how moms and dads can use these developments to parent better
Giedd: "Our brains are better at learning by example and by modeling. And so as a parent, we're often much more effective in just little things, how we treat our spouse, how we treat strangers, how we deal with the stresses and time management of our day-to-day life. So it's not always, sort of, sitting down and having these big talks. It's the little things every day that you're modeling. And I think it's good for us parents ... to realize ... we're always on. And whenever we're with them, that's how their brain is learning how to be an adult, how to take the next step."