BREAKING NEWS: Psychology Comes To Halt As Weary Researchers Say The Mind Cannot Possibly Study Itself

Important breaking news from America's finest news source, The Onion.

Psychology Comes To Halt As Weary Researchers Say The Mind Cannot Possibly Study Itself

ISSUE 50•30 • Jul 31, 2014

Psychologists caution that it is a grave folly to believe anything objective can be learned about the human mind given that the object of observation is, by its nature, also the observer.

NEW YORK—The field of psychology was brought to an immediate halt this week as disillusioned and weary practitioners of the discipline reportedly concluded that the mind could never possibly hope to study itself.

Abandoning more than a century of clinical research, theoretical developments, and observational studies, psychologists worldwide announced that their entire professional lives had been utterly worthless, as the human brain could never comprehend its own workings, let alone understand its own understanding.

“We’ve spent years trying to discern how the mind functions, but today I am forced to admit that this so-called research was nothing more than a fool’s errand—and that we people of learning were the greatest fools of all,” said American Psychological Association president Nadine Kaslow at a press conference Thursday, flanked by leading figures from all major psychology subfields. “Can the eye watch itself? Can a book read its own pages? No. It’s now clear to us that despite all the painstakingly conducted studies and all the data we have meticulously gathered since the late 19th century, we have, in essence, been nothing more than the snake that devours its own tail.”

“All that we thought we understood was merely a mirage crafted by the very unfathomable minds we once so stubbornly insisted we could know,” added Kaslow, before declaring the APA, with its 134,000 members and 54 academic divisions, forever disbanded.

In the wake of the development, sources confirmed that thousands of researchers at top academic institutions had resigned from their posts effective immediately and had been seen packing decades’ worth of academic journals—as well as seminal works such as Sigmund Freud’s The Interpretation Of Dreams, Jean Piaget’s The Psychology Of Intelligence, and Alfred Adler’s Understanding Human Nature—into boxes that will be placed in storage indefinitely or disposed of at nearby landfills.

According to reports from one prominent university, visitors to the psychology department found the chair’s office locked, but with a note on the door that simply read, “It was all an illusion.”

Over the past few days, researchers across the psychology spectrum have reportedly discontinued their experiments and returned their funding to its original sources, stating that further investigations had been rendered irrelevant by the completely unreliable and fatally subjective nature of the human mind.

“If only we could step outside these imperfect intellects for but one moment and observe our mental functions as they truly are,” said clinical psychologist Deborah Yamada, who explained that the discipline was inherently and fatally corrupted by the inescapable reality that the examiner and the examined are one and the same. “And yet, when we honestly appraise the human condition, what can the mind truly know that is not a mere waking dream?”

“And even that dream, can it genuinely be said to exist? For is not the moment I grasp the limits of my consciousness the very moment it becomes unknowable?” Yamada continued. “More to the point: What is this ‘I’ that supposedly speaks in the first place? And why do I—whatever that may be—so childishly cling to it?”

Reached for comment, many from the now-dissolved psychology community told reporters that they hoped to redirect their efforts toward other sciences such as physics, chemistry, and geology, fields they hoped would be untainted by the “inescapable enigma” of consciousness.

“If I can no longer study myself, then so be it: I will pursue that which is concrete and measurable,” said Harvard University experimental psychologist Steven Pinker, holding up a quartz crystal before his eyes. “Look at it: Irrefutable. Solid. So unlike the elusive mind.”

“Only this I can truly know,” Pinker added. “That is, if I can know anything at all.”

From The Onion, America's Finest News Source, some seriously edgy satire on the UCSB shootings last Friday. But here is the real point of the piece: America is "a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations."

And this:

At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past five years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”

That's not funny, and yet no one talks very much about that - other than to lament that isolated, unstable, young men with weapons are increasingly likely to shoot a whole lot of people before committing suicide by cop.

Perhaps the reason Americans are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than in other developed nations is because we have a national fetish for guns that no other developed country possesses. No matter how many of the slaughters take place, the fetishists of the NRA will never allow gun restrictions to become law.

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

ISSUE 50•21 • May 27, 2014

ISLA VISTA, CA—In the days following a violent rampage in southern California in which a lone attacker killed seven individuals, including himself, and seriously injured over a dozen others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said North Carolina resident Samuel Wipper, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this guy from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what he really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past five years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”

From The Onion, America's Finest News Source, it seems America's mental health professionals have taken note of a recent AP-GfK Poll that reveals only 5% of Americans feel that Congress is doing a good job.

It's unclear who these people are in the 5%, but mental health professionals are deeply concerned for their well-being.

Psychiatrists Deeply Concerned For 5% Of Americans Who Approve Of Congress

ISSUE 49•41 • Oct 9, 2013


WASHINGTON—Noting that the individuals in question may be extremely mentally disturbed or suffering from a serious psychological illness, the nation’s psychiatrists announced Wednesday that they are deeply concerned for the estimated 5 percent of Americans who were found in nationwide polls this week to approve of the U.S. Congress. “With numerous members of Congress refusing to negotiate an end to the shutdown in the face of widespread federal furloughs and a looming deadline to avoid defaulting on government debt, we are extremely concerned for the mental health of those Americans who responded, ‘Yes, we think Congress is doing a good job,’” psychiatrist Dr. Donald Levin said in a press conference this morning, telling reporters that the estimated 15.5 million Americans who approve of Congress are likely “very troubled” citizens who may in fact be experiencing psychotic episodes or delusional thoughts. “We’re not entirely sure who these people are or where they come from—perhaps they are psych ward patients, or unstable recluses living in remote huts on the outskirts of society—but what we do know is that they are extremely disconnected from reality and in need of immediate attention if they are not already receiving it. We need to find these people and get them the help they need before their illnesses get worse.” Psychiatrists added that because a number of mental health services are currently furloughed, many respondents would just have to “sit tight and hang in there” until the shutdown is resolved.

What A Government Shutdown Means For You

THE ONION: ISSUE 49•40 • Sep 30, 2013 

If Congress is unable to pass legislation that will fund the government by midnight tonight, the U.S. government will shut down. Here is what a government shutdown means for you:

• All national parks and zoos will be closed, but animals will be fed and cared for by Sens. Saxby Chambliss (R-GA) and Tom Harkin (D-IA)
• No trash collection in Washington, D.C., which means the only solution is for residents to eat their own garbage
• Those who died and are honored in the Holocaust Museum will become de-memorialized and will no longer be resting in peace
• Old man with giant beard who walks hundreds of steps to light the gas lamp in the Statue of Liberty every night will be unemployed
• You will still be able to send and receive mail, but any attempt to poison government officials will have to be held off until they return to their offices after the shutdown ends
• This probably won’t have any actual effect on your marriage, but it’s better to blame it on this than facing what the real issues are
• Any harm that may occur to you during the shutdown will still affect your body in real life. Essentially, if you die in the shutdown, you die for real.
• Most government workers will be furloughed—a procedure that involves halting their pay, sending them home, and then castrating them with a gelding knife in front of their spouses
• Realistically, you won’t be affected by this very much in your day-to-day life, but you’ll feel the full effects during the 2014 midterm election when you lose your seat in Congress

Arguments For And Against Same-Sex Marriage [NSFW]

Via The Onion . . . of course. Do NOT read this at work, or anywhere else if you are easily offended.

Arguments For And Against Same-Sex Marriage

INFOGRAPHIC • ISSUE 49•13 • Mar 27, 2013

This week, the Supreme Court heard challenges to California’s Proposition 8 and the federal Defense of Marriage Act, bringing the question of legalizing gay marriage to the national forefront. Here are the cases made by same-sex marriage advocates and opponents:

ARGUMENTS FOR GAY MARRIAGE:

• Always fun to piss off really religious people
• Little lesbian girls around the country would one day get to live their dream of standing together in front of a county clerk’s office employee and working through the bureaucracy to obtain a marriage license
• Straight couples could finally unload their unused fondue sets from their marriages
• Just to see the look on Rick Perry’s dumb fucking face
• Every citizen should have the right to have their special day where young and old alike can awkwardly dance to the “Cha Cha Slide”
• The two women from the popular Internet video “Asian and Black Chick Lesbians Dildo Fuck SO HOT Squirting Bitch” could finally get married
• Gay wedding episode of Modern Family will help ABC take a big victory in the 18-to-49 demo
• Bestowing dignity upon a wrongfully oppressed minority just a nice thing to do

ARGUMENTS AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE:

• Leviticus 18:22, Deuteronomy 23:17, Romans 1:26
• Could further weaken traditional American values like prejudice, intolerance, and hatred
• Nation running out of citizens to make second-class
• Love is a cruel, vicious demoness no man should have thrust upon his person
• Would successfully prevent the erosion of the immaculate, utterly flawless American family
• Everything on registry too expensive
• Runs against article of U.S. Constitution explicitly barring homosexual marriage
• If we let gays marry, what’s to stop people from marrying animals or trees or tables? …Okay, we know this is pretty stupid, but we really needed some more things to fill out this side of the list

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