Sunday, September 24, 2006

Explanation [Updated]

First and foremost, THANK YOU to everyone who expressed their concern in the comments or by private email. I sincerely and deeply appreciate it. And I apologize for the cryptic message.

I've shared my sister's death, my mother's death, and a whole lot of other stuff on this blog, and there is no reason to keep secrets now. So here's the deal.

Twenty-four hours ago I felt as though my world was completely turned upside down. In many ways, it was. But my first inclination -- and this is probably an old subpersonality rearing its head -- is to feel overwhelmed by the emotions, which probably looks meladramatic from the outside. From the inside, it really feels that bad.

The thing that's different now from ten years ago, or twenty years ago, is that I don't immediately dive into some self-destructive behavior -- which is not to say that I don't want to. Instead of that, I try to stay with the feelings and trust that they won't kill me.

That's what I've done for the last twenty-four hours.

Kira and I split up yesterday after 5 1/2 years. There was no yelling, no big fight, just a break up. It would be easier if I could blame her in some way, but I can't. She made a decision that she feels is best for her. And I respect her choice.

For the last month or two, I've been slowly coming apart at the seams. There have been a few posts that shed light on the process (here, here, here, here, here, and here). Kira has been an innocent bystander in all of this, but I have leaked my turmoil all over her and the relationship. In all fairness, I've been in a semi-constant state of flux and turmoil for as long as she has known me. That's not a pleasant quality in a partner.

So she walked away. If I were her, I would have run -- a long time ago. [You can read her feelings about her decision at her Zaadz blog.]

Yesterday, it felt like the end of my world. Today, not so much.

I'm sad, and I'm going to honor that feeling and take some quiet time this week. I may or may not blog, but I'll probably not stay away for long. You people are a part of my community in a way that defies logic.

I'm grateful for that.


Anonymous said...

Hi Bill, I'm here for you if you need anything. The blogosphere doesn't communicate well simply being with someone during hard times, but know that I am, as I'm sure are so many other wonderful people.

Much love,

Anonymous said...

Hey Bill,

I'm sorry for your troubles.



Steve said...

I don't know what to say that can be of any consolation at a time like this, but I can't read your post without at least saying that I am filled with sorrow and best wishes for you.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for letting us know what you're going through.

I've come to love your blog and want to say thank you.

Do all you can to take care of your mind and body. If caffiene is your area of temptation, try your best not to OD on it (which means monitoring tea and chocolate consumption too--ouch)

Try to make yourself eat, even if you dont want to eat. Try to get out of the house and move around.

Do your best to sleep, even if you may temporarily need a prescribed medication. This need not be long term.

Being in turmoil is so exhausting and painful.

I am trying to learn how to combine heart (metta) with equanimity/stability. All my life, I equated heart/compassion with turbulent emotion.

Only recently did it occur to me that its possible to have heart and also have stability.

Its like imagining a new color on the visible spectrum. And its hard because we are given so few models for this--either in the larger culture or our families.

Anonymous said...

i just wanted to update to hold space for you.

all the space you need...

william harryman said...

Thanks everyone -- I am overwhelmed by the kindness my blogging friends have extended. All I can say is thanks.