Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Breakling the Fusion Trance in Relationships

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This is from a new thread over at the Integral Relationships pod. I'd like to hear how all of you feel about this topic.

In the thread on defining integral relationship, we talked a bit about the fusion form/stage of relationship. Fusion is a kind of trance state, a loss of equilibrium, according to David Schnarch: "People who lose their equibrium become completely self-centered until they regain it."

He talks about self-soothing as a way to create the differentiation that can break that trance state. One of the traits of fusion is an inability to maintain equilbrium in the presence of our partners:

"Self-soothing involves meeting two core challenges of selfhood: (a) not losing yourself to the pressures and demands of others, and (b) developing your capacity for self-centering (stabilizing your own emotions and fears)."

From this it would seem that one way to break the trance of fusion is to develop ways to self-sooth.

So, how do you self-sooth? How do you get centered in yourself and maintain that balance when things are challenging in a relationship?

I had a very good therapist last year who said that healthy couples are not those who do not fight, but those who have learned how to maintain themselves while fighting fairly.

So how do you maintain yourself, self-sooth, remain balanced, or whatever you want to call it?

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