Sounds True - Kristin Neff: The Liberating Power of Self-Compassion

Kristin Neff, PhD., is one of the leading figures in the movement to replace self-esteem with self-compassion (along with Christopher Germer, PhD., author of The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions, a book that seriously changed me).

Sounds True owner and founder Tami Simon interviews Dr. Neff about her work in self-compassion and about her audio course (CEUs are available), Self-Compassion Step-by-Step offered by Sounds True.

Dr. Neff is author of Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind, and her website has a ton of resources for developing and understanding self-compassion. She has appeared at TEDx (The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self Compassion) and her site offers several short videos (Self-Compassion, Self-Kindness, Common Humanity, Mindfulness, and Self-Compassion vs. Self-Esteem).

Kristin Neff: The Liberating Power of Self-Compassion

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Tami Simon speaks with Dr. Kristin Neff, a professor of human development and culture at the University of Texas and a practitioner of Buddhist meditation. The recent book and documentary The Horse Boy (DVD) illustrate her and her family’s adventure with autism (the book is written by her husband, Rupert Isaacson). 

With Sounds True, Kristin has created the audio program Self-Compassion Step-by-Step, which includes clinical evidence of the importance of self-compassion along with techniques and exercises for cultivating this pivotal quality. In this interview, Tami and Kristin talk about three pillars of self-compassion, “self-compassion breaks,” and the importance of recognizing our common humanity during difficulties that feel unique and isolating. (69 minutes) 

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Self-Compassion Step by Step: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

By Kristin Neff

 

A Six-Session Training Course for Transforming Your Relationship with Yourself 

Why does it feel so natural to be compassionate and kind to those we care about-yet so hard to treat ourselves the same way? "Our culture teaches us to use self-criticism for motivation and to build self-esteem by constantly measuring ourselves against everyone else," says Dr. Kristin Neff. "We need to re-learn the essential skill of being genuinely nurturing and supportive toward ourselves." With Self-Compassion Step by Step, this groundbreaking researcher reveals the clinically proven power of self-kindness, with practical training for cultivating an enduring and unshakable sense of your fundamental human worthiness. 

Self-Compassion: The Mainstay of Happiness and Well-Being 

Over the past decade, an overwhelming body of research has shown self-compassion to be a master key to good psychological and physical health. Whether you wish to reduce stress, develop healthy habits for exercise or diet, unlock your creativity, or even deal with serious conditions such as depression or addiction, a strong sense of self-compassion is an essential ingredient for success. Best of all, self-compassion is a skill that can be learned. Through six sessions of teaching, Dr. Neff offers guided meditations, experiential practices, and on-the-spot techniques to help you build a strong foundation of self-compassion in your daily life. 

"We often become our own worst critic because we believe it's necessary to keep ourselves motivated," says Dr. Neff, "but in fact the research shows that healthy self-compassion increases our inner drive, our resilience to setbacks, and our ability to excel at work and in every aspect of life." With Self-Compassion Step by Step, she presents a powerful training course that is both accessible and profoundly transformative-a practical approach for creating a life of greater happiness, fulfillment, and love. 

HIGHLIGHTS

• Self-kindness - How actively comforting ourselves activates our physiological systems designed for soothing and safety
• Common humanity - Recognizing the imperfect nature of the shared human experience
• Mindfulness - Meeting our moments of suffering with balanced awareness rather than ignoring or exaggerating our pain
• Why we resist self-compassion - Debunking the common myths; The clinically-proven benefits of self-compassion in numerous aspects of life
• The essential difference between competitive self-esteem and true self-compassion
• The natural progression of self-compassion practice
• Guided techniques that use visualization, touch, language, and awareness to evoke states of self-compassion, and much more

Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S. - 5 Strategies for Self-Compassion

Here is a brief article from the World of Psychology blog at Psych Central offering five quick tips for self-compassion. The material in this article is based on the cutting edge research of Kristen Neff, the leader (along with Christopher Germer) in the field of self-compassion.

5 Strategies for Self-Compassion

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.
Associate Editor

Many of us are all too used to bashing ourselves. And it’s not surprising. In our society, we’re taught that being hard on ourselves and ashamed of everything from our actions to our looks gets results.

Self-criticism is the preferred path to success. We rarely think about showing ourselves kindness. Or even if we do, we worry that doing so is selfish, complacent or arrogant.

But research has found that self-criticism only sabotages us and produces a variety of negative consequences. For instance, according to Kristin Neff, Ph.D., associate professor in human development at the University of Texas at Austin, studies have shown that self-criticism can lead to lowered self-esteem, anxiety and depression.


Neff is the author of Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind. Self-compassion is what you’d show a loved one struggling with a similar situation. Self-compassion has been linked to greater well-being, including diminished anxiety and depression, better emotional coping skills and compassion for others.¹

Specifically, according to Neff, self-compassion consists of three components:

• Self-kindness: Being kind, gentle and understanding with yourself when you’re suffering.
• Common humanity: Realizing that you’re not alone in your struggles. When we’re struggling, we tend to feel especially isolated. We think we’re the only ones to experience loss, make mistakes, feel rejected or fail. But it’s these very struggles that are part of our shared experience as humans.
• Mindfulness: Observing life as it is, without being judgmental or suppressing your thoughts and feelings.

Myths about Self-Compassion

Because beating ourselves up is so entrenched in our society, you still might be suspicious of self-compassion. Below, Neff dispels common myths that may stand in the way of people being kinder to themselves.

Myth: Self-compassion is self-pitying or egocentric.
Fact: Self-pity is being immersed in your own problems and forgetting that others struggle, too, Neff said. However, being self-compassionate is seeing things exactly as they are — no more and no less, she said. It means acknowledging that you’re suffering, while acknowledging that others have similar problems or are suffering even more. It’s putting your problems into perspective.

Myth: Self-compassion is self-indulgent.
Fact: Being self-compassionate doesn’t mean solely seeking pleasure, Neff said. It’s not shirking responsibilities or being slothful. Rather, self-compassion focuses on alleviating suffering. From this perspective, you consider whether something will hurt you in the long run, she said.

Myth: Self-criticism is an effective motivator.
Fact: There’s actually nothing motivating about criticizing yourself, Neff said, because it makes you fear failure and lose faith in yourself. Even if you do achieve great things, you’re often miserable, anyway.

It’s interesting that in other areas of our lives we understand that being harsh doesn’t work. Take the example of parenting. Decades ago, we thought that harsh punishment and criticism were effective in keeping kids in line and helping them do well, Neff said.

However, today, we know that being a supportive and encouraging parent is more beneficial. (When you’re told you’re a failure, the last thing you think you’re capable of is succeeding, or even trying.)

Self-compassion acts like a nurturing parent, she said. So even when you don’t do well, you’re still supportive and accepting of yourself. Like a kind parent, your support and love are unconditional, and you realize that it’s perfectly OK to be imperfect.

This doesn’t mean being complacent. Self-criticism tears us down; it presumes that “I am bad.” Self-compassion, however, focuses on changing the behavior that’s making you unhealthy or unhappy, Neff said.

Strategies for Self-Compassion

Being self-compassionate might seem unnatural at first. These strategies can help. This may be harder for some individuals, Neff said, particularly if you’ve experienced trauma, so it’s important to work with a therapist.

1. Consider how you’d treat someone else. The simplest thing you can do, according to Neff, is to imagine what you’d do if someone you cared about came to you after failing or getting rejected. What would you say to that person? How would you treat them?

2. Watch your language. You may be so used to criticizing yourself that you don’t even realize that you’re doing it. So it helps to pay particular attention to the words you use to speak to yourself. If you wouldn’t say the same statements to someone you care about, then you’re being self-critical, Neff said.

3. Comfort yourself with a physical gesture. Kind physical gestures have an immediate effect on our bodies, activating the soothing parasympathetic system, Neff said. Specifically, physical gestures “get you out of your head and drop you into your body,” she said, which is important since “the head loves to run away with storylines.” For instance, she suggested putting your hands over your heart or simply holding your arm. Any gesture will do.

4. Memorize a set of compassionate phrases. Whenever you find yourself saying, “I’m horrible,” it helps to have a few phrases at the ready. Pick statements that really resonate with you. Combining that with a physical gesture — like hands over your heart — is especially powerful, Neff said. She uses the following phrases:

This is a moment of suffering.
Suffering is part of life.
May I be kind to myself in this moment?
May I give myself the compassion I need?

5. Practice guided meditation. Meditation helps to retrain the brain, Neff said. This way, self-compassionate gestures and self-soothing become more natural. Neff includes several self-compassion meditations on her website.

For more on this research, check out Neff’s comprehensive list of articles and chapters on self-compassion.