Tuesday, December 21, 2010

[Dark] Humor - Drew Magary: 10 Things That Christmas Would Be Better Off Without

I don't do Christmas - not being Christian and all, it just seems wrong to celebrate the birth of a child now worshiped as 1/3 of a tripartite god - especially since he would have been born in the Spring anyway.

Besides, I'm a curmudgeon, and . . . . well, hell, I barely recognize December as a month. It's the principle of the thing. Or something. Well . . . whatever . . . nevermind. Just read this.

From Drew Magary, at Deadspin XY.

10 Things That Christmas Would Be Better Off Without

10 Things That Christmas Would Be Better Off Without

Despite indications to the contrary, I love me some Christmas. But like anything, it's not without its faults. So let's get rid of those faults now, shall we?

1. Jesus
I'm telling you, Christmas would be improved markedly without all the fucking bullshit Jesus stuff involved. "But Drew!" you say, "The whole point of Christmas is to celebrate Christ's birth!" Not anymore, it isn't. The whole point of Christmas is for me to get loaded and eat a Thanksgiving's worth of food every night for an entire month. This holiday has completely outgrown its roots. We don't need the Jesus part in 2010. Dec. 25 isn't even his REAL birthday, you know. He was born on March 12. Also, his real name was Eugene Dunwoody. That's a FACT.

If we get rid of the religious part of Christmas, then we don't have to bother with the whole fucking PC semantics of it. You don't have to worry about saying "Merry Christmas" to some tightass liberal dipshit who was tricked into believing Kwanzaa is a real holiday. They can't get mad at you if they know there's no explicit Jesus undertone to the whole thing. TAKE THAT, YOU FUCKING PINKOS. On the flipside, I don't have to worry about every religious nutball ruining my good time opening gifts by constantly reminding me that the holiday is meant to commemorate the birth of the Son of God, who was then lashed to within an inch of his life and nailed to a cross, all because I jack off. You active Christians make me uncomfortable.

Without Jesus, everyone from every religion can finally jump in and celebrate the holiday without compunction. Face it, Jews: You may say you like going out to the movies and eating Chinese food on Dec. 25. But secretly, deep in your heart, you know you wanna buy a tree and string up lights and sing "The Christmas Song," which is a BEAUTIFUL song and well worth trading in any religion for. You should be able to do that without a shred of guilt. We can make Christmas the proper American holiday it ought to be, and not the tacky religious one that Gregg Easterbrook keeps demanding we recognize.

It's not unrealistic to get rid of Jesus from Christmas, you know. Pink Floyd did just fine without Syd Barrett. THINGS EVOLVE, PEOPLE.

2. Any Gift From The Body Shop
What is this? Avocado body butter? This is fucking USELESS. Did you really pay $15 for this? There are certain shops in the mall that exist solely to sell you pointless gifts that you need to buy because your goddamn Mom was too lazy to think of a wish list. This is why kids are fantastic. Sure, they scream and yell and break things and shit their pants. But when Christmas comes around, they are fucking ORGANIZED. They know exactly what they want and where it can be procured. No last-second purchase of a Zagat restaurant guide for them. If you don't know what you want for Christmas, you don't deserve to get anything. That's the rule. These are lean economic times. I'm not getting you something from Brookstone unless you've made it clear that you fucking need it. And you don't.

3. Christmas Cards That Do Not Include An Awkward Family Photo
The only reason to send me a Christmas card is so I can look at your family and pick apart each member's looks one by one. Did you get fat? Why is your child wearing that john-john? Are you really that much of a snobby prick? Is that your living room? Looks like it was designed by a blind heterosexual. This is Christmas. It's my season to JUDGE YOU. Don't send me some Christmas card that has no picture in it. You may as well be sending me a FiOs direct mail piece. Into the fireplace with it. AND NO PICTURES OF JUST YOUR DOG. If there's anything people care about less than your kids, it's your stupid fucking dog.

4. Actual Clothing In The Holiday Victoria's Secret Catalog
I'm aware that good porn is available for free on the internet, but I'm old, which means I look fondly upon analog jacking. Every year, they send a holiday Victoria's Secret catalog to my home, and every year they waste an untold number of pages trying to sell women actual pants, shirts, and loungewear. This sickens and repulses me. There's no need for a third of this catalog to turn into a J. Crew brochure. Just edit it down and give me full jacking material on every page. The catalog will stay on top of my shitter for at least three weeks longer.

(Apropos of nothing, I greatly enjoy Christmas catalogs that include wildly expensive holiday food you can have shipped right to your door. Oh, man. That $500 Williams Sonoma ham looks fucking GOOD. The Dean & DeLuca catalog is hot as shit. Only an asshole would pay $15 for a bag of glazed pecans, but they sure are pretty to look at.)

5. Lexus's December To Remember
Every year, people complain about those fucking red bows in the Lexus ads, and every year, Lexus keeps rolling them out. And they do this just to piss you off. They're basically like, "Oh, we know you hate us and our rich customers. But you know what? FUCK YOU. We're adding even MORE bows to this ES, and there's nothing you can do about it because you are fucking POOR and can't afford to go to a doctor. DEAL WITH IT."

Read the rest.

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