Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Politically Incorrect Santa Claus

The letters themselves aren't politically incorrect -- but the responses from the old fat guy sure aren't very nice. This is circulating the web again by email, but it seems to have a home at
Letters to Santa

1. Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good
boy all yeer.

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career
lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a f****** book
so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older
brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!

2. Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I
ask for is peace and joy in
the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

3. Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire
truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this
Love, Joey

Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna
torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll
know what to do with.

4. Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like
for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what
you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with
the babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a
hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

5. Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more
Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.
Love, Michelle

Dear Michelle,
It blows my f****** mind. Kids are forcing their parents to
buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none
of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game.
Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and

6. Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum kit,a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?

7. Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my
face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas
Regal and some Toblerone.

8. Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and
losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!

9. Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when
we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm
skipping your house...

10. Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please

Timmy, That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but
that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.

11. Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our
Love, Marky Mark

Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're
getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't
live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're
living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the
burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!

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