Satire - Extreme Weather Alert: Meteorologists Predict Intensely Brisk Autumn

Weather news from the Onion News Network.


Extreme Weather Alert: Meteorologists Predict Intensely Brisk Autumn

Tags: Satire, Extreme Weather Alert, Meteorologists Predict Intensely Brisk Autumn, Onion News Network, humor, weather

Satire - Hurricane Bound For Texas Slowed By Large Land Mass To The South

Weather news from the Onion News Network.


Hurricane Bound For Texas Slowed By Large Land Mass To The South

Tags: Satire, Hurricane Bound For Texas Slowed By Large Land Mass To The South, humor, weather, Onion News Network

Satire: Fall Canceled After 3 Billion Seasons

The Onion seems to be on a bit of a vacation, so they have been posting old pieces, such as this one from November of 2007.

Fall Canceled After 3 Billion Seasons

November 7, 2007 | Issue 43•45

WASHINGTON, DC—Fall, the long- running series of shorter days and cooler nights, was canceled earlier this week after nearly 3 billion seasons on Earth, sources reported Tuesday.

The classic period of the year, which once occupied a coveted slot between summer and winter, will be replaced by new, stifling humidity levels, near- constant sunshine, and almost no precipitation for months.

"As much as we'd like to see it stay, fall will not be returning for another season," National Weather Service president John Hayes announced during a muggy press conference Nov. 6. "Fall had a great run, but sadly, times have changed."

Said Hayes: "Frankly, we're amazed it lasted as long as it did."

Though it came as a surprise to many, the cancellation was not without its share of warning signs. In recent years, fall had been reduced from three months to a meager two-week stint, and its scheduled start time had been pushed back later and later each year. Still, many Americans continued to hold out hope that it would make a last-minute comeback.

"I guess I should have seen it coming, but it's still upsetting to think about fall being gone forever," said Peterborough, NH resident Dale Simmons, who was informed of the cancellation yesterday while waterskiing with his family. "Maybe other people won't miss it as much, but I practically grew up watching the leaves change color."

"Now what am I supposed to do with myself between August and December?" Simmons asked. "Wear shorts?"

Though disappointed by the cancellation, a number of Americans have admitted that the last few seasons of fall were "completely underwhelming" and often lacked the trademark mood and temperatures of earlier years.

"In my opinion, fall stopped really being fall after 2004," Margaret Davies of Augusta, ME said. "Once the birds quit migrating south and the need for air-conditioning extended into late October, it just wasn't the same anymore. To tell you the truth, I was shocked to hear that fall was even still around."

Fall's recent slide isn't uncommon, however, with spring and winter also suffering from quality issues. According to recent NWS data, winter has not had a consistent showing in almost four years, while last year spring was cut down to just five days to make room for an extended run of summer that began in March.

"With the way things have been going lately, it only makes sense that fall would be canceled," said Eric Fausbaum, an observer at an independent weather-watch agency, as he wiped beads of sweat from his brow. "But then I still remember when December meant having to put on a sweater to go outside."

Though thousands have signed Internet petitions to save fall, and protests have been scheduled throughout the week, many are skeptical that they will ever see the temperate season again. In addition, the National Weather Service said that even if fall were to return at a later date—perhaps for a brief guest appearance next spring—citizens shouldn't be too optimistic.

"I know people are upset to see fall go, but let's try to keep things in perspective," Hayes said. "After all, it's not like it's the end of the world or anything."

Regardless of whether it ever returns, Americans said they would always have fond memories of the once-ubiquitous season.

"The crunch of fallen leaves underneath your feet, the smell of ripening fruit hanging heavy on nearby trees, the crisp and cool evening air—I'll never forget it," Minnesota resident Jessica Bellauc said. "That was fall, right?"

Tags: Satire, Fall Canceled After 3 Billion Seasons, humor, The Onion, weather, environment, National Weather Service

D'Oh! - I've Become a Tucsonan

[image source]

I went on a great hike today, not too far outside of Flagstaff and near Sunset Crater. The morning was cold and it only was a little warmer in the afternoon (maybe in the 40s), especially in the forest and out of the sun.

It must be close to freezing right now as I write this, with a projected low of 16 degrees tonight according to the Weather Channel (buy the way, I love the Weather Channel). I'm actually a little cold sitting here in my sweats and a long-sleeve knit Henley. I even wore long jeans while hiking today -- those who know me have seldom, if ever, seen me in long pants -- I nearly always wear shorts.

All of this led me to realize that I am now a Tucsonan, a person who thinks 50 degrees is cold. Damn. I once wore shorts for two solid years in Seattle, whether there was rain, ice, or snow. I took pride in being able to wear shorts a couple of years on an ice berg tour in Alaska -- everyone else was bundled up as though they were going skiing.

But now I am weather wuss. I guess that's what happens when one has to put up with intolerable heat 5 months out of the year.

Oh yeah, one other D'Oh! I packed my tripod and my camera bag but forgot my camera. I guess memory is the first thing that goes.

Tags: I've Become a Tucsonan, travel, life, weather, Sunset Crater

Satire: Fall Canceled After 3 Billion Seasons

From The Onion:

Fall Canceled After 3 Billion Seasons

November 7, 2007 | Issue 43•45

WASHINGTON, DC—Fall, the long- running series of shorter days and cooler nights, was canceled earlier this week after nearly 3 billion seasons on Earth, sources reported Tuesday.

The classic period of the year, which once occupied a coveted slot between summer and winter, will be replaced by new, stifling humidity levels, near- constant sunshine, and almost no precipitation for months.

"As much as we'd like to see it stay, fall will not be returning for another season," National Weather Service president John Hayes announced during a muggy press conference Nov. 6. "Fall had a great run, but sadly, times have changed."

Enlarge Image

A Beloved Classic Comes To An End

Some of fall's most memorable moments

1841: Leaves crumple gently underfoot

1969: Nation charmed by adorable kids bundled up in scarves

1998: A number of highly anticipated weddings showcase stunning foliage

2006: Crisp autumn air makes its final appearance

Said Hayes: "Frankly, we're amazed it lasted as long as it did."

Though it came as a surprise to many, the cancellation was not without its share of warning signs. In recent years, fall had been reduced from three months to a meager two-week stint, and its scheduled start time had been pushed back later and later each year. Still, many Americans continued to hold out hope that it would make a last-minute comeback.

"I guess I should have seen it coming, but it's still upsetting to think about fall being gone forever," said Peterborough, NH resident Dale Simmons, who was informed of the cancellation yesterday while waterskiing with his family. "Maybe other people won't miss it as much, but I practically grew up watching the leaves change color."

"Now what am I supposed to do with myself between August and December?" Simmons asked. "Wear shorts?"

Though disappointed by the cancellation, a number of Americans have admitted that the last few seasons of fall were "completely underwhelming" and often lacked the trademark mood and temperatures of earlier years.

"In my opinion, fall stopped really being fall after 2004," Margaret Davies of Augusta, ME said. "Once the birds quit migrating south and the need for air-conditioning extended into late October, it just wasn't the same anymore. To tell you the truth, I was shocked to hear that fall was even still around."

Fall's recent slide isn't uncommon, however, with spring and winter also suffering from quality issues. According to recent NWS data, winter has not had a consistent showing in almost four years, while last year spring was cut down to just five days to make room for an extended run of summer that began in March.

"With the way things have been going lately, it only makes sense that fall would be canceled," said Eric Fausbaum, an observer at an independent weather-watch agency, as he wiped beads of sweat from his brow. "But then I still remember when December meant having to put on a sweater to go outside."

Though thousands have signed Internet petitions to save fall, and protests have been scheduled throughout the week, many are skeptical that they will ever see the temperate season again. In addition, the National Weather Service said that even if fall were to return at a later date—perhaps for a brief guest appearance next spring—citizens shouldn't be too optimistic.

"I know people are upset to see fall go, but let's try to keep things in perspective," Hayes said. "After all, it's not like it's the end of the world or anything."

Regardless of whether it ever returns, Americans said they would always have fond memories of the once-ubiquitous season.

"The crunch of fallen leaves underneath your feet, the smell of ripening fruit hanging heavy on nearby trees, the crisp and cool evening air—I'll never forget it," Minnesota resident Jessica Bellauc said. "That was fall, right?"

Tags: The Onion, Satire, Fall Canceled, autumn, humor, seasons, weather

Daily Om: Keeping The Sun Inside

[image source]

Today's Daily Om isn't an issue here in the desert -- we get year-round sun -- but many of the rest of you probably have to deal with cold, dark winters.

Power, Beauty, And Warmth
Keeping The Sun Inside

Anyone who has endured a long, dark winter can attest to the power the sun has to both invigorate and relax body, mind, and soul. It can be daunting to begin the months of fall and winter, knowing that we may not see as much of the beautiful sun for quite some time. But it is important to remember that even during the darker days of fall and winter, the sun is still there shining, as beautiful as ever. Just because it is hidden behind clouds or setting early in our part of the world, does not mean that we cannot access its power, beauty, and warmth.

One way to do this is to find a warm spot in our house where we can sit or lie down in peace. Closing our eyes, we allow our breath to come and go easily, progressively lengthening each inhale and exhale until we feel very relaxed, peaceful, and warm. We imagine that it is a very warm summer day and that the sun is shining on us, allowing it to warm our body. In particular, we may feel as if a small sun has taken up residence in the area of our solar plexus or our heart. We do not need to think about which one too much and can simply trust our body to let us know where it is. Spend some time just experiencing this sensation, allowing the heat to radiate from inside your body.

If you live in a part of the world that loses a lot of light in the winter, you might want to do this exercise each night before retiring. You could also do it at the beginning of each day, giving yourself a chance to plug into that great source of energy. Keeping the sun inside of you when you are missing it on the outside is a way to say hello to the sun and let it warm your soul.

Tags: Daily Om, Keeping The Sun Inside, weather, winter, personal growth

More Gratitude -- It Could be Worse Edition

As much as living in Tucson sucks in the summer (we nearly broke the record for consecutive days over 100 degrees -- we got to 37, the record is 38), I could live in Phoenix, which would be a lot worse.

From News Vine:

PHOENIX — People here expect it to be hot, but they sure wouldn't mind a cool spell. You know, maybe 107 or so.

Phoenix reached a shoe-melting, spirit-crushing milestone Wednesday: 29 days of temperatures 110 degrees or higher in a single year. The previous record of 28 days was set in 1970 and matched in 2002, according to the National Weather Service.

The streak is enough to vaporize any humor left in the phrase "It's a dry heat." The average number of days 110 or higher in a given year is 10.

"It's a dry heat because we're in a desert!" Ollie Lewis said as she walked to a bus stop in downtown Phoenix.

Austin Jamison, a forecaster with the National Weather Service in Phoenix, said an oven produces dry heat, too. "You can put your head in the oven, but that's not comfortable."

The temperature hit 113 degrees Wednesday afternoon, matching the record high for Aug. 29 set in 1948 and 1981, Jamison said. The weather service is forecasting temperatures of 105 degrees for the rest of the week.

The National Weather Service says urbanization and global climate change could be contributing factors to the heat, but Phoenix has not come close this year to its all-time high of 122 degrees, set in 1990. The hottest day of 2007 was July 4, when the mercury hit 116 degrees.

Still, the string of broiling days was tough to deal with, even for lifelong Phoenix residents like Martin Milner, a construction worker who took a break under a rare shade tree.

"People say you'll get used to it, but you never get used to it," said Milner, who wore a bandanna under his black hard hat to stop the sweat from running down his face. "Every year it gets harder and harder and harder. This year it's just skyrocketed."

Marcia Reid, who moved to Phoenix from New York City five months ago, said the heat doesn't bother her.

"I lived in New York for so long, I got tired of the cold," she said. "I like it here.

"It's a dry heat."

Emphasis added -- and damn, I'm glad I don't live there.

Tags: gratitude, weather, Phoenix, Arizona