Friday, January 09, 2009

Psychology Today - Unleashing the Power of Emotional Connection


A new blog has been added over at Psychology Today's fine collection of offerings, Emotional Connection.

Here is an excerpt from the Q&A format of the introductory post.

Q: What are the greatest stumbling blocks people encounter when trying to release their emotional resistance and begin feeling successfully?

· Analyzing - an attempt to figure our way out of an emotion
"What's going on? Why am I feeling so anxious?"

· Judging - a decision that something's wrong with the emotion, or with us for having it
"This guilt is too much. I shouldn't let him get to me."

· Assessing - excessive focus on how well or poorly we're connecting
"I'm not feeling much of anything. Am I doing this right?"

· Bargaining - conditions placed on how long or how deeply we're willing to feel
"I'll feel this grief fully today, but it better not show up again tomorrow."

Whenever these stumbling blocks occur, the solution is simply to notice them with equanimity and resume surfing as soon as possible.

Q: When people are falling short of their dreams and goals and can't tell which emotions they're resisting, what are they supposed to do?

RC: A big portion of the book is devoted to answering this question. The basic steps are:

1) Find the Flinch - Identify the aspect of moving toward your vision that causes you to pull up short

2) Cut to the Chase - Examine the "worst-case scenario" in going forward and determine how that outcome would make you feel

3) Weather the Storm - Imagine that outcome as a reality, and then connect with the entire range of emotions that arise.

4) Repeat As Necessary - Apply the same course of action if and when you get stuck again in pursuit of your goal, regarding the same emotions from before or any new ones that may arise.

Let's see this in action. A client of mine always wanted to write but never got around to it. His flinch occurred every time he walked past his waiting computer. His worst-case scenario was writing something that his most loved and respected friends thought was pure drek. He realized this would make him feel like an abject failure.

Together, we imagined that he wrote a whole novel, was super excited about it, and gave it to his friends who were promptly horrified. They hated the book vehemently and ridiculed him for writing it.

His emotional response to this imaginary situation was a daunting wave of shame. I guided him to stay on the wave through many challenges and distractions, and after a few minutes it abated.

"Well," he told me, "that really wasn't so bad. I kind of feel like, "Oh, well, at least I tried. That's better than never writing anything."

This process revealed to my client that the one thing holding him back had been his resistance to shame. Repeated a few more times, it released his resistance almost completely. Now, with nothing holding him back, he writes at least thirty minutes a day.

Q: You maintain that emotional resistance is also a health hazard. In what way?

RC: Our emotions want and need to be felt. The harder and longer we keep them locked within, the more they struggle to get out. One result of this battle is stress, which is proven to be a leading cause of serious illness. Another result is the depletion of our life energy, which quickly turns into depression.

Q: You also tout emotional connection as an effective way to end addictions and compulsions. Can you describe how that works?

RC: All addictions and compulsions, as I mentioned earlier, are really about resisting emotions. Once we connect with those emotions, addictions and compulsions lose both their purpose and power.

If you're unwilling to feel disappointment, for instance, you might flop on the couch every week, eat popcorn, watch American Idol and snicker at all the contestants. But once you become willing to experience disappointment, both old and new, you might actually sign up for the Open Mike Night at your local pub.

Or if you're unwilling to feel distrust, you might check your spouse's email over and over. You might even be convinced that you're doing this precisely because you distrust. But once you become willing to feel your distrust directly, your need for hyper vigilance would cease. Instead, you could then choose to talk openly with your spouse about the feeling. Or, if your spouse truly is untrustworthy, you might finally be able to move onto a more healthy relationship.

Go read the whole post - this looks to be a good and useful blog.


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