I should be asleep by now, especially considering that I need to be up at 4 am tomorrow morning. But as often has been the case of late, I can't sleep. No amount of melatonin can overpower my anxiety attacks.
For all my talk of gratitude and facing my fears, I am really full of shit.
I want nothing more than for her to finally make up her mind to be with me -- to accept that whatever fear both of us feel is not the whole story, to know that our love is stronger than those fears. And I know she wants to be with me, too. That's what sucks -- knowing that it is only fear that stands in the way of us sharing a wonderful life together.
I feel like a hypocrite. One moment I am strong and willing to deal with whatever happens, the next I am engulfed by the fear of not having her in my life. Meditation doesn't help. Journaling doesn't help. Blogging doesn't help.
I know I will survive this no matter what happens, but I don't want to just survive -- I want to have the life I want. Lots and lots of attachment and grasping . . . .
OK, I'm done whining. I'm going to try to get some sleep. Wish me luck.
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