Controlling Ourselves, Our Lives, and the People in Them

This is an interesting post from Psychology, Transformation & Freedom Papers, a fine blog for those into personal growth and psychology. Gabriella Kortsch, the blogger, is very insightful.

Controlling Ourselves, Our Lives, and the People in Them

Many of us fall into the fallacy of believing that we can control our environment and the persons who people it. Therefore, we steadfastly cling to the mistaken belief that:

• if only we could make our spouse more emotionally available


• if only we could make our parents less intrusive


• if only we could make our boss more approachable


• if only we could make our teenage offspring more manageable


• if only we could make our neighbours less noisy


• if only we could do any of these of any number of other things, life would be wonderful

And we spend our time working on devising ways of changing these people, driven by the conviction that this would be the solution to all or most of our problems. The truth of the matter is that the only one we actually can control is our self.

We rarely look at this other side of the coin…the fact that if we want to achieve any kind of change in our lives, it has to begin with our self. Frequently change that we bring about in our own person will motivate change in others, almost like a ripple effect that can be observed in a pond when you throw a pebble into the water, but this change in others, or in the environment should not be the stimulus to your own change. That should be sought for itself, in order that you can become more of what you really are, and are capable of being; in other words, in order that you grow into yourself. (See previous posts related to comfort zone).

Evidently the eternal question is: how do you change or control yourself? What is the magic formula? Is there a silver bullet? And the simple answer is choice. Knowing that no matter what you feel, think, say, or do, you always have choices and alternatives, is one of the most enriching and liberating thoughts there is. When you are reacting to a given event, brought upon by your own thoughts, a nostalgic song on the radio, another person, a difficult financial situation, or even a cataclysmic global incident, always ask yourself whether there are alternatives to your current way of reacting. Then ask yourself whether any of those alternatives are feasible, and whether they would make a positive difference as compared to the initial mode of reacting you had intended. By consciously choosing to react differently, you are not only controlling yourself by self-awareness, but you are also changing yourself because your reaction is no longer unconscious, and thus you are offering yourself one of the greatest gifts of all - freedom from that blindness.

[Emphasis added.]

Control of anything outside ourselves is an illusion of ego. But we can learn to have more control, if that's really the right word, over our minds.

What she's advocating here, without using the word, is mindfulness. We will never escape the feedback loop of stimulus-response unless we become conscious of how and why we respond as we do. In order to have a choice in how we respond, we have to interfere with the loop.

Here is the basic premise:

Mindfulness points to: Being aware of and paying attention to the moment in which we find ourselves. Our past is gone, our future is not yet here. So what exist between them is the present moment. If I can observe and not get caught up in my thoughts, it is all that I have. The here and now, the present is the link which holds what was and what will be. My past was a series of present moments which brought me to this present moment. My future should it happen will be a series of present moments effected by only present moment in which I am now living, being, doing, observing, being aware or unaware, and attentive or unattentive.

Here is an even more precise version, as it applies to the post above, from Wkipedia:

Mindfulness is an activity that can be done at any time; it does not require sitting, or even focusing on the breath, but rather is done by bringing the mind to focus on what is happening in the present moment, while simply noticing the mind's usual "commentary". One can be mindful of the sensations in one's feet while walking, of the sound of the wind in the trees, or the feeling of soapy water while doing dishes. One can also be mindful of the mind's commentary: "I wish I didn't have to walk any further, I like the sound of the leaves rustling, I wish washing dishes wasn't so boring and the soap wasn't drying out my skin", etc. Once we have noticed the mind's running commentary, we have the freedom to cease identification with those judgments/perceptions: "washing dishes: boring" may become "The warm water is in unison with the detergent and is currently washing away the plates grime, the sun is shining through the window and casting an ever greater shadow on the dish's white ceramics.". In this example, one may see that washing does not have to be judged "boring"; washing dishes is only a process of coordinating dishes with soap and water. Any activity done mindfully is a form of meditation, and mindfulness is possible practically all the time.

When we begin to focus on our inner monologue and how it shapes our responses, those responses can become less reflexive and more willful. We can learn to see the gap between stimulus and response, to step in make an actual choice about what we do.

This isn't something that we get overnight, simply because we choose to do it. It takes time to unlearn our programmed responses, our emotional and intellectual reflexes, so we benefit from patience and from being compassionate with ourselves as we learn this new skill.

Tags: Controlling Ourselves, Psychology Transformation & Freedom Papers, Gabriella Kortsch, mindfulness, Psychology, Buddhism, personal growth, self exploration, control, choice