Satire: 30 Miserable Lives Lost In Greyhound Bus Crash

A little mean satire from The Onion -- I used to ride Greyhound in college when I was poor, and this piece is sad but partly true.

30 Miserable Lives Lost In Greyhound Bus Crash

December 5, 2007 | Issue 43•49

ALBANY, NY—In one of the most merciful disasters in recent years, a Greyhound bus traveling from Rochester to Albany, NY skidded into a ditch Tuesday, killing a dozen deadbeat fathers and penniless addicts and finally putting nearly 20 other hapless bastards out of their misery.

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Four of the degenerate sacks of shit who perished in the accident.

According to Greyhound officials, the fatal crash occurred less than an hour after passengers gathered their pathetic belongings and dragged what little hope they had left onto the despair-soaked bus. Emergency crews called to the scene described the remains of the victims as "slightly more lifeless than they were before the accident."

"This is by far the saddest thing I've ever witnessed," said head rescue worker Charles Rabnett, referring to the sea of fast-food wrappers, losing lottery tickets, and scorched corpses that littered the crash site. "We've done our best to contact family members and loved ones, but so far we've only been able to reach four parole officers and 10 AA sponsors."

Added Rabnett: "Dear God, what a terrible waste of my time."

While officials are still not sure what happened aboard the Albany-bound bus, a number of theories have been posited, including icy roads, low visibility due to fog, and the likelihood that the driver, Ron Jenkins, fell asleep at the wheel after spending a restless night consumed by his failures as a husband.

Police investigators also suspect that the cause of the accident may have been as simple as "these luckless bastards getting shit on by the world one last time."

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Rescue workers were visibly sickened by the number of hamburger wrappers and soda bottles strewn about the bus.

"Dental records have helped identify only two-thirds of the casualties, as the remaining passengers were discovered to have none of their original teeth left," Albany police chief Henry Goodwin said. "Among those, one is believed to have been a recently disowned teenage mother, another an elderly widow forced to pawn her favorite necklace in order to purchase a bus ticket, and the rest were what appear to have been the hollow shells of several middle-aged men."

No survivors were reported at the scene. In addition, initial surveillance of the wreckage seems to indicate that those who managed to pull their world-weary bodies out of the overturned bus gave up on their wretched existence within minutes. According to paramedics, it is likely that many of the casualties were conscious throughout and may have suffered during the crash, as well as throughout a lifetime of heartache, woe, and shattered dreams.

"Thank heavens nobody made it," said chief paramedic John Thurston, who described the "disturbing smell" at the scene as a combination of gasoline, body odor, Aqua Velva, and relentless disappointment. "For a second there, I was worried I'd actually have to interact with some of these people."

In response to the relative tragedy, Greyhound has agreed to donate $200 worth of rolled quarters and greasy, crumpled dollar bills they had collected as bus fare to a local charity. The casualties of the crash will also be memorialized with a small commemorative plaque that will hang at the Albany station, between an out-of-order vending machine and a set of bathrooms where customers can often be heard weeping.

"It's hard to believe that something like this could even happen," said Albany resident Carl Robinson, who, since losing his home to a fire earlier this month, has been sleeping in the city's dilapidated bus station. "To know that life, no matter how dreadful or hopeless, always has a chance of coming to an end—it's so inspiring."

As of press time, hundreds of men and women had gathered at the site of the fatal accident to mourn the loss of a perfectly good bus.

Tags: Satire, Miserable Lives, Greyhound Bus, Crash, humor