Satire: Million-Dollar Man March

The genius of Andy Borowitz, writing for Newsweek:

Million-Dollar Man March

In the largest chauffeur-driven protest in Washington's history, hedge-fund managers take to the streets.

By Andy Borowitz

Newsweek

Sept. 4, 2007 - Demanding further intervention from the Federal Reserve to protect their endangered fortunes, thousands of the nation’s leading hedge-fund managers marched on Washington today.

Dubbed “The Million Mercedes March,” the protest was said to be the largest chauffeur-driven demonstration in the capital’s history.

Limousines started jamming the streets of Washington at approximately 10 a.m., as irate hedge-fund owners converged in front of the Federal Reserve building to demand stronger action to protect their imperiled riches.

Chanting “No rate cut, no peace!” the furious money managers were pepper-sprayed by police as their protest threatened to take a violent turn.

Tracy Klujian, a hedge-fund manager from Greenwich, Conn., said that simmering anger in the hedge-fund community was “a powder keg” waiting to explode. “We have yet to see the ripple effects of this crisis,” Klujian said. “When these guys have to freeze their trophy wives’ shopping allowances, there’s going to be hell to pay.”

Klujian’s words seemed almost prophetic as a mob of angry trophy wives looted a Ralph Lauren boutique in East Hampton, N.Y., later in the day, stripping the establishment of its entire fall collection.

If the Fed fails to intervene, Klujian warned, an ugly situation among the nation’s wealthiest money managers will only get uglier. “A lot of these guys are mad as hell right now,” he said. “But wait until they’re down to their last billion.”

Elsewhere, FEMA announced that it would commemorate the second anniversary of Hurricane Katrina by returning phone calls from 2005.

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