As reported in Wired:
Steroids Scandal Hits Major League Superheroes
Commentary by Lore Sjöberg
06.13.07 | 2:00 AMMay 8, 2007, Metropolis
The Justice League of America responded today to the accusations of doping leveled by former member The Atom's new tell-all book, Small-Time Justice. In it, the diminutive crime fighter accuses his fellow superheroes of various indiscretions and infidelities, but the most controversial chapter in the book deals with steroid abuse. While he stops short of naming names, the context makes it clear to which leaguer he's referring.
"Now ask yourself," he writes. "How does a guy with absolutely no superhuman abilities get to hang out with the most powerful beings in the solar system? When you're busy learning science and picking up detective skills and custom-building cars and special devices, how are you going to find the time to hit the gym as hard as you need to even sit at the same table with Superman and Wonder Woman? Isn't it possible that maybe you're going to look for a little outside help, maybe of a chemical nature?"
The Justice League categorically denied these accusations. Superman, speaking for the group, suggested that The Atom was suffering from an inferiority complex and lashing out. "I hate to speak ill of any fellow crime fighter," said the godlike Kryptonian. "But you have to understand that when a person's powers are 'being smaller than anyone else,' that person is going to end up feeling pretty inferior to those who have something to contribute. This is nothing more than an attempt to raise his own stature, if you will, by diminishing others."
The press conference was then interrupted by the attack of a dozen of Brainiac's death bots.
May 22, 2007, Metropolis
Their hand forced by a wave of bad publicity and brutal congressional hearings, the Justice League of America today agreed to institute steroid testing and other drug testing for all members. At a press conference, the entire league stood behind Superman as he announced the new policy.
"While we have nothing but confidence in our members, and do not suspect any of them of wrongdoing, we understand the public interest in being sure that the nation's, and indeed the planet's, guardians are not involved in the use of performance-enhancing drugs, except for the Gingo juice that gives Elongated Man his powers. Seriously, 'Gingo juice'?
"Accordingly, each member of the league will be subject to random, mandatory drug testing. Any member found using steroids, human growth hormone, Martian growth hormone or similar substances will be given a lifetime ban from the league, and their Rapscallions Brought In stats will be given an asterisk in the record books.
"I'm going to have to expose myself to Kryptonite just to get a blood sample," the deific visitor from the planet Krypton said. "I hope you're happy. It hurts."
June 13, 2007, Metropolis
In a surprise development in the ongoing Justice League drug controversy, the league announced the expulsion of founding member Green Lantern for steroid use. While the league refused to speak to the press, instead announcing the decision in a press release, Green Lantern himself spoke to reporters outside league headquarters.
"You have to understand here," he said, visibly weary from the ordeal. "The rest of the guys, they're always running and punching and lifting things. They get a workout just by doing their jobs. Me, what do I do? I think. I just hover there and whatever I think of, my power ring does. I may be flying around, but I have the superhero equivalent of a desk job. If I didn't watch my figure, I'd end up putting on so much weight I'd have to change my name to the Green Lighthouse. Given a choice between spending half my time in the gym and actually, you know, saving the world, yeah, I did a few 'roids."
All other members of the league, including the Batman, have come out clean in their tests, although it was discovered that what Elongated Man was calling "Gingo juice" is actually 180-proof grain alcohol, and has nothing to do with his powers. He is currently in rehab.
No comments:
Post a Comment