This morning Blogger was down for more than an hour. Who knows how long it really was, I had to go to work. The thing is, I had a break between my early client and my first session at the gym, so I came home to blog a bit. But Blogger was down -- and not just my ability to post, the whole thing was down, including my site. Usually the blogs stay up and can be read even if I can't post, but today the whole damn system was down. Infuriating.
And that would be the problem. I was infuriated. I kept trying to reload the "dashboard" so that I could post, but it wouldn't work. I couldn't leave it alone. And to top things off, Blogger thinks I am a spammer so I have to do a word verification just to post to my own blog until they fix it. Can you say outrage?
Blogger sucks. If you are thinking about starting a blog, don't use Blogger. Use anything else -- use scotch tape and notebook paper -- but don't use Blogger.
Okay, now that I have that off my chest, my reason for this post is to show how quickly a nice morning can go to hell when my attachment to control gets triggered. As I was driving home from my first client (5 am session), it was a little after 6 am, the sky was clear and blue, the temperature was a nice 65 degrees, and the birds were singing their little beaks off. A beautiful day.Then the Blogger thing.
I have a subpersonality that absolutely has to feel like he is in control. I can usually pacify him and get him to play nice with my other subs, but when a situation leaves him feeling like he has absolutely no control at all, that some mindless, faceless "thing" is running the show and screwing it up, he gets so agitated that he can take over my Self. He goes from being a sub to being me.
As I continue to gain more observer self and can witness this happening, it feels like being possessed. I literally know, at some level, exactly what is happening, but I often can't pull myself out of it until I remove myself from the situation. Once I was at the gym, and I got past the realization that my agitation might be transferred onto my first client (with whom I also feel agitated sometimes due to her unwillingness to do what she knows she needs to do -- thus the fear of transferring it onto her), I was fine.
A few deep breaths and I was able to release it and do my job.
This one sub often prevents me from experiencing equanimity. I think of him as the "controller," since he always needs to feel like he is in control. I couldn't just walk away from the computer this morning and do something else. He is still pissed off at Blogger.
I'm not sure how to root him out and reduce his influence, but being more and more aware of him does help me to know when he is acting up. If I can find a way to see him coming and shut the door, I think that might help.
Does anyone else out there experience something like this, or something similar with another sub? How do you handle it? What do you do to shut it down and regain control of your Self?
Technorati Tags: Blogger, Blogger sucks, Equanimity, Agitation, Control, Subpersonality, Observer self, Witness
Del.Icio.Us Tags: Blogger, Blogger sucks, Equanimity, Agitation, Control, Subpersonality, Observer self, Witness
I draw angry pictures and/or I take a black crayon and scrawl big, angry words on large sheets of newsprint. It's kind of like beating a pillow and giving voice to my anger at the same time. When I stay with it, it always turns into something else (i.e., a resolution of some sort that gets me beneath the anger). The trick, as I see it, is to not try to "shut it down and regain control" of my Self, but instead to go through it in order to come out the other side.
ReplyDeleteI know very little about subs, but for an intuitive guess: look at the naming. Having picked a name like 'the controller' not only casts the sub in a neutral or neutral-positive light, but it might place the sub into a powerful position in your estimation. Is the sub's need for control based on fear (e.g. fear of chaos, fear of reality)? It could be renamed 'fear' or 'anachaos'. Is it based on desire for a non-existent state of non-impermanence? It could be renamed 'clinger' (if you can avoid picturing Jamie Farr in a dress when you say it). Just an idea.
ReplyDeleteIndifferent children,
ReplyDeleteThe sub earned that name through his role in my life. I have many others, each with a name that fits its role in my psyche.
The important thing to understand is that subs develop for a reason, a good reason, even if they now feel alien or destructive. So we need to treat them with respect (mostly) and try to integrate their energies into the psyche so that they are not complexes or shadow material.
The controller screws up my equanimity, but he also helps me get things done efficiently and on time. He manages a lot of stuff that I don't have to consciously think about, so he is quite important in my life.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and visiting my blog.
Peace,
Bill